Friday, December 28, 2007

Well what a load of old shit then...

Happy Birthday/Christmas...

Certain members of my family are going to be sooo disappointed when their birthdays come around this year.


Wednesday, December 19, 2007


Taken on my phone back in the summer! :)

Monday, December 17, 2007

New Acquisitions

Next month sees little fella's 2nd birthday. He's a big fan of fishies in fishie tanks so we've bought him his own. We've set it up now, well... Because we wanted to. He owns three fish right now. Two American Flag Fish (called George and Laura) and a loach named Ken. They're faboo!

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Tomorrow isn't NME day

I'm not particularly a fan of Morrissey, I wasn't that big a fan of the Smiths either. I read last weeks interview with Morrissey and knew right away that the NME was trying to stir up some notoriety for themselves. Anyone who's read the article can see it was a stitch up. Morrissey pines for an England that never was and perhaps foolishly mentions immigration as one of the reasons that England will never exist again. This is what the NME pounced on to demonstrate that old Mozzer's just a big old fascist bastard after all. Cunt!

Excuse me... But BOLLOCKS!

This looks to me like a blatant attempt on the NME's part to boost circulation. Well they fucked up, they fucked up big time. Anyone with half a brain is going to have read that interview and the resulting hyperbole and realised what's going on.

I'm not buying tomorrows NME. I won't be buying it next week or the week after that either. I'm sure they're not at all bothered that a 38 year old man won't be buying what they themselves see as a 'yoof' publication anyway. But I wonder how many more people who've put up with the full page photos where there used to be news articles, with the editorial dumbing down, with the climbing into bed with companies that sponsor their tours. With the emphasis on shit fashion rather than youth culture, will also not be buying NME in future? I suspect it'll be more than just me.

Circulation may blip due to the current controversy, but I think a lot of people who are perhaps picking it up for the first time in a few years will find todays NME a bit of a joke.

Goodbye NME, it was fun for a while, but now you're just shit!
No really, fuck off!

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

I got a letter from the government the other day

opened and read it. It said they were suckers!

Well actually it was today I got it. A nice apology from Her Majesty's Revenue and Customs apologising for losing the personal details of myself, my Wife and my two year old child, as well as twenty five million other people across the country.

I feel so much better now that they've apologised. I'm not at all worried now.

Cunting fucking incompetent MUPPETS!

Tell me I'm wrong

See now, I'm not sure what protesters are hoping to achieve when they're protesting against someones right to free speech.

Griffin and Irving are foul contemptible people but in this country we do have a right to express ourselves regardless of political viewpoint. I'd have liked to have seen the ideologies and opinions of both of these men verbally slapped down and put in their place via debate.

Instead the protesters, no matter how well intentioned are actually veering dangerously close to fascism themselves by trying to deny these idiots their right to speak.

Tell me I'm wrong.

Monday, November 26, 2007

Is Fifteen Quid the new Tenner?

It might as well be.

£1.02 for a litre of petrol!
Fackin aaaaaahtraaaaaaaaaaaaageous!

Friday, November 16, 2007

I call him Tiny


No, not because he's my cock!

I've been meaning to post this for a couple of weeks now... Look, look what I found. A couple of weeks ago I was working on one of the borders in me garden. I'm ripping out the huge daisies I had growing and will be replacing them with a nice mix of perennial herbaceous and the odd shrub. So as I'm digging over the bed I spot this little fella (actually, I think it's a lady) who I appear to have disturbed. I was really impressed. I've not seen one of these since I was in me early teens. Being mindful of weather and predators I relocated it to the space under me shed. I hope it's okay.

British Government in Sensible Decision Shocker

NHS gives private sector the boot

Okay, millions upon millions of taxpayer pounds have been wasted. But millions upon millions more will be saved. Plus those millions should (I say should with emphasis) be ploughed back into the NHS. Only a complete fucking moron tries to farm out NHS operations to the private sector. It seems oddly coincidental that this decision has been taken only after Tony Blair and Patricia Hewitt have gone. Still, for once I'm happy, someone somewhere has realised enough is enough and rather than stick their head in the sand and use made up statistics to justify a poorly thought out scheme, they've had the intestinal fortitude to make a hard decision.

Thursday, November 01, 2007

Monday, October 29, 2007

Oi, Final Prophet bloke

Enough of your vile badly written faux-religious tracts you evil racist sack of shit.
You hold yourself above all others with your reactionary rants, you dare to tell us how to live. Go fuck yourself and your 5 mile long comments. Stop stinking up my comment box you cunt! Kill yourself and make the world a better place.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007



My job's shit. My employer wastes public money, and people talk to me like I'm the cunt.

Fuck this!

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Oh dear, I really am crap at this blogging fing.

Not posted for a week, again!
Shit, innit?
Then again the blog's a bit shit anyway. Most of the blogs I read are updated only sporadically now as well. Are we all getting bored with blogging?

What's going on with me then? Well... Yesterday I went to a big hospital for scans and x-rays. Hopefully I'll finally find out what's wrong with me. I've neglected to mention that I've been ill since January haven't I? Well, not exactly ill, more like in pain. First of all I thought there was something wrong with my bollocks but medical science says no. One good thing about this is that I've lost pretty much any inhibition at presenting my pocket theme park on demand and no longer worry about the ambient temperature either. It appears that it's more likely to be something up with my hip. I'm just waiting to see if the X-Rays find anything. If not then it could be nerve related. I'm more than a little fucked off with all this and sometimes wonder if I'm liable to be in pain for the rest of my life.

In other news the little fella is fab and I've posted some pictures to Flickr of him enjoying breakfast with a pal. That's about it.

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Not again!

I'm fucking ill, and pissed off too. Bleagh!
Pictures of female readers in nurses outfits would go a long way toward a cure.
Your selfless act could save a life.


Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Plasticky Glee!

It's not every day you find 21 minimates posted through your door, well alright handed to you by the postie, all at once.

Lookit! Look look

Marvel wave 16 THE AVENGERS!!! How sweet are they?

Classic Spider-Man Boxset featuring Hydro-Man (he's the one with the clear plastic arms. I forgot to add his splashy watery extension thingys.

DC wave 5 SHAZAM!

It's very quiet around here these days. Have you all fucked off or what?

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

For anyone who's ever seen Real Football Factories

Found this over at Absolute class this is. Pwoppa Nawtee an no mistake.

Lego Genius!

Thursday, September 06, 2007

Fat bloke pegs it.

September 5th Pavarotti.
September 6th Pavarottin'.

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

There's only one way of life...

And that's your own, that's your own, that's your own.

Remember that? That was The Levellers hit single back in the early 90's. A clarion call to middle class drop outs and trustafarians up and down the country to wear stinking clothes, not wash their hair, and try to ponce money off of us fucking idiots that go out to work every day. I used to work as a gardener and for 3 or 4 summers we used to end up with these cunts sleeping on the park bandstand so that no one else could use it. I'm not kidding they'd live on it from may through to september. Then they'd probably fuck off home and have a shower, while I, the cunt that went to work and contributed to their dole money cleaned up their discarded bedding and needles.

I fucking hated crusties. The breadknife and her mates were all into the Levellers, Back to the Planet, Radical Dance Faction and the like. Actually I quite liked Radical Dance Faction, they had a mad dub thing going on. But the trouble with all these band were their fans. Middle class crusty kids and scabby new age travellers. I once went to see The Levellers at Cambridge corn exchange with the Bread and one of her old schoolmates. While in the foyer they bumped into an old school friend of theirs, they're having a chat with this bloke and I'm standing on the periphery of there conversation when suddenly their mate says 'Excuse me a minute' to them, and then walks over to me and asks me if I've got any spare change. My missus is mortified, her mate looks ashamed. I tell this cunt to fuck off, and the next thing I've got some hatchet faced harpie in my face (schoolfriends' missus) telling me what a bastard I am for not giving them any money. I told her to fuck off too. The missus points out that I'm her husband but instead of apologies all I get is sulky looks. Cunts!

I ended up staying in the bar. I tried to watch the band for a while but first of all I had the usual twat with girlfriend on shoulders in front of me. Who, when I objected turned round and said 'We're only dancing man'. So I moved on and got stuck behind some daft tart who'd braided her hair with beads and was swinging said braids around like a cat 'o ' nine tails.

Fuck. That!

As you can guess I'm not a fan of Crusties. I'm an even bigger hater of Pikeys. I don't mean your common or garden Gypsy, though god knows they can be bad enough, I mean pikey's. Grungy, scrungey filthy dole scroungers who travel up and down the country in old vans and coaches. Taking over neighbourhoods, having the odd rave, generally leaving a cesspool of refuse that the local authority has to pay to clean up. We've got a bit of scrap land down the bottom of the road that's like a magnet to these fuckers. Normally they turn up every other january and stay until the eviction notice kicks in. This lot have been different. They've managed to stay for 8 months. Screaming up and down my road in their barely (if at all legal) cars. Having the occasional rave, really just putting everyones nerves on edge. They've managed this by moving to a different patch of land every couple of months. It turns out that the land is owned by four different interests. One of them gets an eviction notice, they move on to the patch next door. And so on.

Today they finally got fucked over. And you know what? I don't care that they did. Their shitty red peugot 205 got carted off on the back of a breakdown truck looking much the worse for wear. Looked to me like someone went around it with a very large piece of wood. The entrance to the land is gated, blocked by concrete posts, and then sandbags full of concrete.

There's only one way of life, and fuck everybody who it affects cos it's your own it's your own it's your own!

Monday, September 03, 2007

We come in peace

Star Trek Minimates series one. Well, one and a half really. Star Trek was one of the first minimate licenses way back when but they were 3 inches tall which isn't all that mini really. Only six figures were produced and only a handful of design pics remain of what was to follow. Hopefully these standard size 'mates will prove successful enough to warrant further waves. Early indications are they've sold out already so things are looking up for sad geeky toy collectors. And funky good looking ones like me too. Stand out in this series is pointy eared pedant Spock.

Look, they gave him an extra hand so he can do peaceful vulcan hand signs as well as holding a Phaser that's set to kill! Faboo!

Battlestar Galactica minimates series two

Yes here they are in all their blocky plastic fantasticness. A particular favourite is Colonel Tigh, a lot of attention has been paid to Galactica's resident snarly alky.
Not only does he come with his hanky (used for mopping up awkward booze sweats) but also his very own stash of mini BOOZE.

Not even Cylons can defeat the great taste of booze.


Sod off then, see if I care...

Yes yes, I know you're all doing more interesting things than reading my old shite and indulging in witty banter in the comment box. But just you wait. I have new toys.

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Didn't care then. Don't care now!

The news media are really getting on my wick at the moment. Every day for what feels like the last fortnight they've been banging on about the tenth anniversary of some overblown tart pegging it in France. I can vividly remember that day ten years ago. I got up late (it was a Sunday) made a coffee, lit up a ciggy and turned on the telly waiting for the Waltons to come on. Instead of Ma, Pa, John-Boy, Mary-Beth and the rest of the inbreds I get some gormless fuckwit telling me about the accident in Paris. Fuck that, I wanted to watch the Waltons.

Indifference turned to dismay as channel after channel (all four of them) cancelled their schedules and embarked on a sickening display of mawkishness. I was so moved by watching the endless eulogies and public displays of patheticness that I went down the pub and stayed there! I wasn't alone.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Sunday, August 19, 2007

Russian Dolleks?

Well it made me laff.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Tuesday, August 14, 2007


I guess coming through a near miss accident is supposed to be life affirming? What about when it's two in quick succession?

Driving home from work ( I can't ride the bike at the moment. Long story) last Friday. I think to myself, I know, I'll take a wide circular route, that way I can pick up some plonk and not have to go out again. So I pick up said booze (Van Loveren Blanc de Noir if you must know) and I'm heading for home. The sun is shining, the iPod is on, the music is good, the window is open, the van on the other side of the road has taken that corner a bit too fast and is quite a way over on my side of the road. Ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod steer left, as far left as possible. Thank fuck for that. Wherethefuckdidthatmotorbikecomefrom?!!! Brake! BRAKE! BRAKE!!!

Some cunt on a motorbike, he'd obviously got caught out by the same corner as the van driver, may even have been playing silly buggers with him? Anyway, he's ended up on my side of the road, bearing in mind I'm already as far to the left as it's possible to get without leaving the road itself, and he's aiming right at me. I'd say he managed to regain control of his bike at about six feet in front of me. I was absolutely fucking terrified. I drove home about 30-40 mph, had some cunt in Renault trying to monster me to go faster for most of the way. Twat!

This just reinforces my point about country roads. Yes the speed limit is 60mph, but if the road is barely wide enough for two cars to pass would you be going that fast? Or are you one of those arrogant fuckers who thinks everyone else should be getting out of your way?

Saturday, August 11, 2007

Tony Wilson 1957-2007

Sad day

I'll raise a glass to the mad bastard tonight. Cheers Tony.

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Made me laff

An oldie, but a goodie!

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

What's a Shitzu?

It's a small dog whose arse is indistinguishable from it's head.

A shit zoo on the other hand... Saturday was glorious, the first really good weekend in gawd knows how long. The Breadknife decided we'd have a family day, which I was more than happy with. So we had a choice The Dinosaur Park or The Norfolk Wildlife Park which is just up the road. I, in my infinite wisdom decided that the little fella was too young to appreciate the Dinosaur park so we'd go to the Wildlife park instead.


We should have realised from the half empty car park that something was wrong. The alarm bells should really have started to ring when we saw one family read the notice by the entrance and then walk back to their car. However, we persevere... The notice says that the focus of the park has changed to an interactive play experience for kids and that there are no longer 'exotic' animals on display. They do however have British rare breeds and wildlife still on display. So, twelve quid lighter and in we go.

Me and the Bread have been to this place a few times. Admittedly quite a few years ago now, overtime and shift rotas over the years meant we didn't have that many weekends together, and those we did have were highly prized and generally used to recharge batteries. So it's been a while...

First impressions are, this place is fucked! There are handwritten notices all over the place. The 'interactive' kids area is a bunch of climbing frames of back garden standard, these are festooned in notices saying things like 'only two kids at a time' and 'no adults' and 'keep children supervised at all times' There's a bouncy castle. We didn't look at the bouncy castle cos Little fella's too small for them but I can only imagine it being covered in similar signage. A sandpit, to be fair the sandpit looked good fun. Some Trampolines, again of the standard you'd find in your average back garden. Finally the G0-Kart Track. It's a track, surrounded by hay-bales. The Go-Karts are a motley selection of pedal jobs and a couple of little kiddie flinstone-style ride on cars. It's pretty grim.

Onward then, to the animal enclosures. Oooh look! A great big bunny. Admittedly the bunny is quite impressive. It's a Californian Giant and it is very big ( I did wonder at first if it might be a Hare!) Next to the big bunny is an enclosure with some Chipmunks in. This is ok, I suppose. Chipmunks are cool and Albino Chipmunks are absolutely icebox. 'Oh look' says the Bread, 'A baby one just ran into the box. I missed it. 'There it goes' she says. I just catch a glimpse of it, it's not a chipmunk. It's a fucking mouse! I'm not impressed. Next some wee cute baby piggies. Only we're not allowed to touch them as they might bite. The little fella's very interested in them and the piggies appear desperate for a bit of attention but we do as the sign says and don't touch. Then there's some chickens. Yeah, they may be Rhode Island Reds but they're just fucking chickens! Some more chickens.. Some weird oriental pheasant you can't actually see. 'Oh Look' It's a peahen with her young. In an enclosure to protect the chicks I guess? Peacock chicks are funny looking buggers cos they have runty versions of the adult crest so they're quite amusing. What's not amusing are the rats, yes, Rats, that are running around the enclosure and blatantly nesting underneath the sleeping area. I'm a bit miffed about that. There's no excuse for it really. You see rats you get pest control, end of! That pretty much killed the place for me, one more lowlight was the carp pool, yes, the r is in the wrong place. Then on to the Cafe for two cans of diet coke and a flapjack bar, all for the not at all reasonable price of £2.70. TWO POUNDS SEVENTY!!! The Breadknife started to get a big quivery lipped about it all. Blaming herself for 'another shit day' I had to take it on the chin and point out that it was down to me that we'd gone to the animal park. From talking to people at work it turns out that the park submitted improvement plans to the local council and got turned down. It's a shame that it's declined so badly but really they ought to think very carefully about carrying the business on. After all, there's good eating on one of those big bunnies.

Friday, August 03, 2007

Friday, July 27, 2007

I yam

being really crap at blogging aren't I? I think it's a combination of parenthood being a bit knackering and lot's of other things placing demands on my time. So let's see... What's been going on in Radville? Erm... Well lots of thanking my lucky stars I don't live in the West Country (even though I'd like to). Those poor fuckers in Gloucester I feel so sorry for them(a lot more sorry than I did for sheffield but you can blame that on those wingeing shitcunts Sheffield Utd). It's scary to think that all it takes is a day of rain to knock us back to the stone-age. Sad as fuck that as soon as it happens there are people trying to make a fast buck. I refer to the wankers filling their vans up with bottled water, driving to the outskirts of the flooded area and selling it for 2,3,4 times the normal price. Cuntish in the extreme I hope they get payback in kind.

In happier news I bought a Dalek. A radio controlled one. Toys R Us were selling em for £20 which is a much better price than the rrp of £40. And yes, while I did indeed buy it for me because I've coveted one ever since they first came out, it was also bought with the little fella in mind cos he love them Daleks! Right from when he was around six months old he'd stop what he was doing when the Daleks came on telly. I've got a talking Dalek that the Breadknife bought me a few years back and he's obsessed with it. I use it to calm him down when he's having one of those 'so tired I don't know what to do so I'll scream' paddy fits. Now, with the RC one he runs up to it, then runs to the other end of the room, stops, and waits patiently for it to catch up and exterminate him. :D Dead funny.

In even more better happier news Steve and Elaine got married yesterday (26/07/07) Congratulations guys :) and all the best for the future.

Friday, July 20, 2007

More Tosh

Yes indeedy. DC Minimates wave 4 has arrived to spread it's teeny tiny plasticky goodness. Look upon my Minimates and despair at your own lack of poxy plastic kiddycrap! Oh Yes!

Sunday, July 15, 2007

Star Wars Thing

We went. We Saw. We did a bit of shopping.

As we drove towards the excel centre we could see a line of people that appeared to be around half a mile long or so. That's a lot of people. I get a text from Steve telling me he's in a queue about half a mile long or so. I look at the breadknife, she's already clocked the queue. Things look grim. Once we get inside Excel we get a very good idea of how big the queue is. There's about half a mile of people inside too. The bread is not looking happy at the prospect of queueing with the little fella. I'm already feeling stressed out. Steve (or rather Elaine) suggests we try and find them. Eventually after much texting and a couple of calls we establish where they are and wave like loons across a vast warehouse like space. A security guard politely informs me that there's no way I'm crossing this space to see them. I lie through me teeth and tell him they've got our tickets. He tells me to go and wait where they come out of the warehouse bit and I can meet up with them then. Sorted! It's weird, I've met Steve before, we've been on all sorts of web based things together, but it's the first time I've met Elaine despite us slating each other via the web for a good few years now. Surprisingly we take the piss out of each other. :D

Once we get inside it's a case of 'oh fuck!' There are people. Lots of people.They are everywhere! Steve and Elaine go to look around on their own. Me and the bread wander about a bit dazed. I look at the programme find out where the convention exclusives are being sold and decide to get this part of it out of the way. I want them damn toys! The Bread and L'il Fella make their way to the family area, I go shopping. Fifteen quid! Fuck me! That's expensive. I have to get two of them too as I've promised a mate in the States I'd pick one up for him. I wait in the sort of queue that you see in the post office or security at the airport. It's a never ending succession of turns along roped off areas. Not fun. It's fucking hot. There's a lot of people about, so it's fucking hotter. Eventually I get my stuff and head off to find the Breadknife. Silly me decided to go via one of the lanes of dealer stalls. Dumb dumb dumb. The show organisers have lumped all the dealers in one area. It's fucking mental. I can't actually get close enough to buy anything. I'm also feeling slightly claustrophobic too. I give up and head for the Bread. They've been having a lovely time sitting down and drawing and L'il Fella's had his pic taken with Darth Vader (who the Breadknife said was a really nice Dutch bloke, cheers fella) . Steve turns up and we're having a chat then he casually drops into the conversation that toys r us are there with their own exclusive figure. D'oh! So I go and queue up again. This time I pay a tenner for one figure. I'm so weak!

Get back to the peeps, Elaine's turned up, but her and Steve are off shopping now. So we bid them adieu and go for another walk around. It's still hectic as fuck I still can't get near the dealer stalls. I think the organisers fucked up badly with this. I'm sure the dealers will let them know about it too.

The highlight for me, apart from meeting up with Steve and Elaine, were the people who'd made the effort and dressed up in costume. Now in the cold light of day you'd wonder what possesses them to do it. But in context of shows like this, or the first night one of the films is released it really adds to the atmosphere. Costumes ranged from really badly amateurish to movie studio authentic. The guys from the 501st Garrison (Stormtroopers) in particular looked fantastic.

(sorry it's blurred, It's a phonepic)

There were a few Wookies dotted about too. I talked to one bloke who'd just taken his Wookie mask off to get some air. He was roasting inside the suit but absolutely loving it. In all despite the queues, the crushes and the heat it was a cracking day. Meet old mates, meet new mates. Bask in geekery. Buy some shit. The little fella loved it, it's a shame he wasn't a little older but he still had a great time. I just hope the powers that be organise the next European Celebration a tad more sensibly. Spacing the dealers out around the whole floor would be a good start. I'm sure they'd agree too.

This final pic I'm including not so much for the cheesecake element but because this bird really pissed me off. I'm just about to ask the blokes in the costume if I can have a pic with them. Along comes Princess Lookatmebaps and all of a sudden it's perve central. Don't get me wrong, I like ladies not wearing many clothes as much as the next man but dammit I wanted MY picture taken. Suddenly there's all these blokes snapping away at her and she fucking loved it! I'd just like to point out that this pic was taken by the Breadknife while she was waiting for me to get a pic done. I gave up in the end. Gah!

Thursday, July 12, 2007


I get around to uploading some holiday snaps to Flickr. They're not all that interesting, mainly of the little fella in various locales, but they're there.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Hooray they've fixed the title bar!

How much?

(it's very annoying not being able to type in the title bar)

I'm going to this at the weekend
I've just had an e-mail telling me Mark Hamill will be there signing autographs. I already knew this from reading the US celebration pages over on the official star wars website. What I didn't know is that he'll be charging £85.00 a signature. That's EIGHTY FIVE FUCKING POUNDS!
I'm glad I'd decided not to bother with autographs. I mean, I'm a geek and I'm proud but £85.00 is a lot of wine vouchers.

Is it just me?

Or does everyone else on Blogger get weird 10,000 word comments? A sample of which is below...

"Manifest Destiny dictates a white-man's prophecy - White-man's world, white-man's Apocalypse:::History says society evolved into where it is today. Others may look at it differently::::Because of the white man's favor the gods bestowed great wealth upon them:::::It is quite obviously a white man's god. The reality is that the gods SCRIPTED Earth's history and utilize reverse positioning::Money is a corruptor and is hurting you badly.The god's positioning is SUCK that their positioned Anti-Christ is the architect of the 1906 San Francisco Earthquake. Because of this event they went on to control business on the west coast and elsewhere as the United States emerged as a superpower, capitalism as the dominant economic system.This is Manifest Destiny::::Our positioned Anti-Christ is the archetect of the 1906 Earthquake, reconstruction of SF, erection of California which subsequently gave him a platform to assult business nationwide and globally.The Anti-Christ is the so-called godfather.And this individual is nothing more than a series of brain-less clone hosts, frequency of replacement based on actual use::::1. Celebrities & politicians - heavy frequency2. Wealthy/telecommuting VPs/CEOs who nobody ever sees - light frequency"

I'm glad I turned on Comment Moderation.

Monday, July 02, 2007

Creatively Bankrupt

A couple of years back I was pretty fucked off to read that Jack White of the White Stripes had trousered a few grand to write a song for a coke commercial. Most people these days wouldn't give a flying one about that. But for me, any artist that suckles from the teat of a multinational corporation is an artist that has become creatively bankrupt. They're effectively saying that they are for sale if the price is right.

Now I'm no fan of Fergie, maybe if her humps, her humps, her lovely ladybumps were real I'd look at her twice but musically? ... Nah no thanks! But when I read this over at the NME's news site I find my ire raised. My dander is up. What the fuck is going on? How important can money be to you to sign an agreement like that? I can't imagine the soggy gussetted pop moppet is short of a few quid just yet. So why sign an agreement that means she has to write songs about a clothing line? It's repulsive.

Not however, as repulsive as weak-minded puppets driving cars full of gas canisters into buildings full of innocent people mind you. But there are other blogs that will have written much more intelligent and insightful posts about that. I'll just call them cunts and wish them all a long and unhappy jail sentence.

This meandering pointless post is sponsored by the words 'Tired' and the sentence 'I'm really bored and pissed off'.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007


I have the internet back. Fuck me, what a palaver!
I bought a modem from PC world. Wouldn't work. Rung my ISP who said stick with us for another year we'll give you a new modem. Six quid postage/admin fee though. Fair enough I thought. It'll be with you in two to three days sir, lovely, thinks I. Next day I called the ISP to make sure the Modem had been despatched. Yes sir we despatched it this afternoon.

This Afternoon?

Yes sir.


Yes sir.



Why, has it only been despatched this afternoon? I called you at nine in the morning yesterday. Why wasn't it despatched yesterday?

Ah sir, you see, we had software problems which meant we could not process your payment.

How, is that my problem? You have all my details. I've been a customer for two years. I"ve never ever missed a payment.

Yes sir, but we can't send out hardware without processing your payment.

Again, how's that my problem?


I guess I won't be seeing my Modem tomorrow will I?

No sir, probably not.

Will I see it Monday?

Ah, it's two to three working days sir.

What?!! What sort of service have I just paid Six pounds for?

Second class post sir!


Six pounds for second class post. They're having a bleeding giraffe! Fucking thing finally arrived today. Post dated Monday the 25th. So they hadn't even put it in the post on Friday.

I ain't impressed, but I am connected to the net again.
Fuck but it's weird, I feel like I've been through cold turkey. On the plus side I've played loads of Star Wars Lego. :) It's great once you unlock Vader as a playable character, I'm determined to see this fucker through to the end. So, how've you all been? Miss me? Yeah, right! You lying fuckers! :D

Thursday, June 21, 2007


We had a massive thunderstorm Tuesday night and it's killed my modem dead. I have no internet at home. I am very very very fucked off about it.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

I am being really crap

at updating this blog aren't I? I've been back a week and have barely mentioned me holiday. It was a bit of an odd one really. We stayed with my in-laws who I get on fine with but being in someone elses house is always a bit tricky. It's a nice part of the world. Very very rural, even moreso than Nuffulk which surprised me. Plenty hot, and plenty of fucking flies which all have the same name. The name of cunt. Fuck but they were annoying! After about 3 days the little fella has learned how to say 'go away' with the accompanying shooing gesture. He does this everytime someone says 'go away' now. FrenchFranceland also has snakes. Specifically Vipers. Now I have rather foolishly picked up a viper in the past and got away with it. Having nearly trod on one in the back garden while wearing sandals (and carrying t'littlefella) I have a new respect for them. They're fast. Very fast indeed. Thank fuck it was racing away from me rather than at me. Really put the shits up!

The French did their best to dispel a lot of myths about them. Their food's not great, they're not that good looking, and their fashion sense is hilarious. In a lot of ways they're just like us, but much much friendlier. Surprising non?

Changing the subject slightly can I just say...

Sheffield Utd, you can fuck right off. You're stupid whiny pathetic cunts! Your fans are gullible cunts who've been sucked in by your constant rhetoric about how West Ham are cheats. That' all you do. Call us cheats. It's pathetic. It's juvenile, and it's tiresome. How about acquainting yourself with the facts from a source other than your own chairman or a redtop newspaper. Twats!

Thursday, June 14, 2007

I apologise to the entire internet

for the recent acute lack of swearage. I have been on holiday in French Franceland which meant I had to get on a plane which I hate. Really really really HATE!

I tell you what kids. Flying with a kid sitting on your lap is really no fun at all. You become acutely aware of all the people sitting around you when your nipper is having a total paddy cos he can't go where he wants. We were stuck on the ground at Stansted for 40 minutes dues to a power cut. It was hell. Absolute hell! The plane was hot, the little fella was grumpy as hell and I think I ground my teeth into pegs. He was great once we were in the air. In fact he absolutely loved flying, and landing. Showed me up something rotten by clapping and laughing and whoooping with joy when we were landing. I on the other hand was absolutely shiteing it. I hate flying. I'll post some pictures later and possibly some stuff about France if I ever get any spare time ever again.
In the meantime here's a word from our sponsors

Cunting Fuckpigs!


Monday, May 28, 2007

A funny thing happened on the way to the supermarket

It really could only happen to me. Saturday morning I drive into my local Sainsburys to get some petrol. The car in front of me wants to turn left. I want to go straight on. So I go around the outside of the car in front by using an empty filter lane for oncoming traffic. The reason the filter lane's empty is because cars are queued all the way along beside it and there's a traffic island just where it begins. So I'm not getting in anyones way or impeding anyone's progress by overtaking the motor in front.
Unfortunately someone has decided that they don't want to have to get into the line of traffic and then have to wait for it to move past the traffic island so they can get into their filter lane. So they've driven down the wrong side of the road past the traffic island and come face to face with... Me!

So there I am I can't move forward because this fuckwad in an Audi (you're right Rol) has blocked the way. I can't move back as there's a car behind me still trying to turn left. So I stick my head out of the window (having wound it down) and tell the woman in the Audi to reverse.

'No, you reverse!'

I'm a little stunned, I point out that the road behind her is empty and I can't go anywhere.

No, you reverse!'

I point out that she's on the wrong side of the road after attempting a very cheeky manouvre, and that it really is down to her to back up.

'No, you reverse, your car is where I want to be'

So I laugh at the preposterous bollocks of the situation, she tries to turn right across the front of my car, there's nowhere for her to go. I tell her that if she intentionally hits my car I'll have her. I'm beginning to lose my rag now.
She carries on mouthing off at me through her windscreen and making shooing gestures, her son who's in the front seat has covered his eyes in embarrassment. I've had enough and get out of my car, go over to her window which she winds down and trying to keep my temper tell her to move backwards.

'If you were a gentleman you'd move backwards'

'I'm not a gentleman, and you're an appalling driver, move your car you're making yourself look a complete idiot'.

'No, you move!'

So I get back in my car, look at her through my windscreen and fold my arms.

She's still mouthing off at me so I plant a beautific smile on me mush, knowing that this will drive her nuts.

Eventually she puts her car in reverse, people in the queue of traffic on the other side are staring at her like she's some kind of loon, yet she can't help but continue slagging me off to the woman waiting to join the queue who has allowed her to reverse back. She's so intent on slagging me off that she's completely unaware of the bloke who's actually sitting in the queue that's allowing her space to pull in front of him.

So I have to stick my head out of my window again and tell her to concentrate on what's going on.

She pulls into the traffic, her window's still open so I wish her a lovely day and blow her a kiss.
She screws her face up and screams at me 'you're a horrible rude tosser and I hope you FUCKING DIE!'

I laughed... Right. In. Her. Face!

I'm amazed that I didn't swear at her. Not once.

In the afternoon me the Bread and the Little Fella drove out to the scary Fens to meet up with Jo and Ro at Jo's mum's place.
It was a bloody nice afternoon and the perfect antidote to an angsty morning. Cheers Jo. x :)

Monday, May 21, 2007


Playing Star Wars Lego II (The original trilogy) on the Gamecube is even more faboo than playing Star Wars Lego. What a fucking ace game! Pisses all over the DS version.
I may be some time.

Monday, May 14, 2007

Defending John Sweeny

I caught a report on the breakfast news about this Now I saw the footage that was on youtube and all I can say is well done John Sweeny. The guy he gives the hairdryer treatment too had been doing exactly the same thing to Sweeny.

If you watch the documentary you'll see Sweeny ask the Scientoligist (a fake religion whose weaker minded disciples truly belive an alien called Xenu transported another race of aliens called thetans and killed them by dumping them into a volcano!)about how he feels when his 'religion' is described as a sinister cult? At which point the interviewee 'rewinds' the question and starts shouting, literally shouting into the reporters face. If it had been me I'd have been shouting right back at him. John Sweeny shows remarkable restraint in keeping a lid on things for an entire week, and if you watch the youtube clip you'll see that in between the hairdryer blasts Sweeny speaks very softly as if to say 'now how does that feel?'

It's obvious that the scientoligists set out to discredit Sweeny they probably posted the clip on youtube while Sweeny and the Scientology guy were apologising to each other. It's not a religion it's a way for some very shady people to make money out of the gullible. Only the foolish rich could possibly think enlightenment is a commodity. For further information on Scientology please watch the South Park episode called Trapped In The Closet, it's funny as fuck and will tell you all you need to know about Scientology!:D

Wednesday, May 02, 2007


Today I had to leave work at half ten. The Little Fella has Chicken-Pox

Yesterday I nearly cycled full pelt into a swarm of bees that was about 7 foot round.
That's a lot of bees.

Tomorrow I'm home all day with a poorly Little Fella.

Send me booze!

Look Out... Toynami!!!

Spider-Man 3 sneaky peaky minimates

Marvel Minimates wave 14 (X3)

DC Minimates wave 3


Tuesday, May 01, 2007

The tooth, the whole tooth

Nah, didn't get yanked. Thought it would have been but the Dennis decided to rebuild it and thankfully it all seems okay now. I'm going to drum into the kid how important it is to look after one's gob'ole, British Dentistry is the only thing that makes Septics feel superior to us. :D

On the subject of the little fella, he's starting to come out with words. He's been saying 'hiya' for ages but now he says 'Bu-bye', and also 'I go' when we're leaving somewhere. Last night he rammed his walker truck into the Breadknifes legs, tried to push it a couple more times and then exclaimed 'Not Go!'

It's sickeningly cute and I'm inordinately proud of him, probably a lot more proud than I will be when he shouts 'fuck' for the first time. I just know I'm going to be the one getting the daggers, I try so very hard not to swear around him but it's not easy when you're driving.

Friday, April 27, 2007

In celebration of British Dentistry

I lost a fucking great chunk of one of me teeth last night. Well... When I say I lost it I mean it isn't attached to the rest of the tooth. I still have the chunk. Fucking thing.

I've been going back and forth to my dentist for years with this tooth. I had a root canal a few years back (it fucking hurt, lots) and it's never been right since. I was last there two weeks ago getting a hairline crack filled. That's £16.00 down the tube then. I think it's going to have to come out. Can't see what else can be done. The entire side has broken off and all I have is a big mass of exposed filling. It's sensitive and hurty. I'm off to the dentists soon. A world of pain awaits.

Sunday, April 22, 2007

My apple tree hates me.

And who can blame it? Seeing as it's gone from being the vibrant example of verdant loveliness you see here

(being thoroughly enjoyed by Isis) to this...

It had to be done. The fucking thing was well out of control and hadn't been pruned at all in the eight years I've been here. Probably hadn't been pruned for at least ten years prior to us moving in. I did find evidence of someone else's pruning but there wasn't much of it.

Didn't really have a clue what I was doing which is pretty shocking considering I spent something like 12 years being paid to be a gardener. In my defence the Tories swingeing cuts and compulsory competitive tendering had pretty much put paid to any kind of formal training. Pruning was mainly done in the winter by using a hedgecutter!

Fucking hard work though, especially considering that after hacking the poor thing to pieces I then had to cut all the main branches into 1 foot lengths (for firewood next year) and break all the twigs into sizes suitable for kindling wood. Trouble is I can't use the wood for at least a year, so I still have to pay some fucker for wood or coal this winter.
Don't think Isis is too pleased either. How's she going to launch stealth attacks on the local fauna now?

She looks well grumpy to me.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007


They're everywhere. I love this weather! :D

Tuesday, April 10, 2007


I have run out of words. I cannot be arsed to post. I don't know if that comes from tiredness or general despondency.
Work sucks. Really sucks. I find myself taking the blame for other people and their lack of responsibility. It's very hard to remain polite to inbred scumbags while they're telling you how much better things were before we took over their buying. Strange how we hear how much better we are from near enough everyone else we speak to, yet someone who refuses to accept they fucked up thinks they can just abuse me, and try to intimidate me for doing my job properly and daring to actually attempt to fix her fuck-up. I hope she dies of cancer. That's not a flippant comment. I genuinely hope she does.

Little Fella's still teething and having a rotten time of it. I think he's up to about fifty seven of them by now. Still at least he'll have a nice smile. We had some friends over for a little BBQ on Easter Monday, that was actually quite spiffing though a tad stressful as it was the first time I'd 'catered'. :D I'm just relieved they've not got food poisoning. Mind you I've not heard from them since early afternoon. I hope they're okay!

Today I woke up with a lump of wax rattling around inside my right ear. It's very annoying and I've named it cunty as it's a bit of a cunt. I hate earwax.

Saturday, March 31, 2007

Muriel Kwality!

Saw this a couple of weeks ago and have been dying for a chance to snap it.
At first I was disappointed to see it was printed out on sheets of A4, but then realised just how much work would have gone into pasting the thing up. It really does look ace. Shame the weather's getting to it though.

Monday, March 26, 2007

I dunno...

You wait a year for some DC minimates to come along and then two waves turn up at once.
These arrived today. They is ace. I love minimates. :)

Thursday, March 22, 2007

It wasn't me!

Reading Annie Slaminsky’s latest post reminded me of something…

A few years back I was working at a large hospital somewhere in the east of england. It was a shit job, but the team I worked with were generally up for a laugh which helped make the days more bearable. Up until then I’d always done outdoors type manly jobs and the tradition at Christmas was to go out have a meal, and then drink as much alcohol as is humanly possible. It was fun.

So due to being a bit manly I’d never been involved in the bran tub/Secret santa thing before, and was a bit bemused by the whole thing. I ended up having to buy something for the woman who organised it all. She was a fat bird so I bought her some chocolate! No rubbish mind, they were belgian via a factory somewhere in Norfolk.

Come the day of the opening, everyone assembled in the office (including big big boss; A woman detested by all) The tub is delved into and pressies distributed. I got a very nice pen. No really it was quite smart. Fat bird was pleased with her chocolates too. It got to our not so big boss. (not the big big boss) Now our not so big boss was quite a nice lady. A few years older than me, but from fairly close to where I grew up so we kind of got on because we were both outsiders. It also helped that her Dad was like meself a fan of the Irons. not so big Boss lady opens her present, I can’t see what she’s got cos I’m right over the other side of the office but she looks quite shocked. Big Big Boss has a face like thunder. You could see the veins in the side of her head start to pulse as she demanded to know who’d sent it. Sly grins started to appear on the faces of the people closest to the boss. Not so big Boss stammers that she’s sure it was meant to be funny but she doesn’t really find it so. Then I realise everyone’s looking at me. I don’t even know what it is. So I ask. Big Big Boss’s mouth goes all pursed resembling nothing more than a cats arse.

I suppose really, that if my mate from the stores had given it some serious consideration he wouldn’t have bought our boss a stress reliever for her Bran tub pressie. Or at least if he’d really thought about it he wouldn’t have bought her one that looked like an anatomically correct 9” cock!

I was really fucked off that they all thought it was me. I bought a fat bird some choc!

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Enough of the whingey bollocks then!

Thanks for that Furtive! :p
I have reasons to be cheerful

I have Battlestar Galactica Minimates.

Thursday, March 15, 2007


It's not that my life is dull really. I just seem to struggle with finding the time to post. Little fella has been a bit up and down too, which does tend to take up most of your time and energy. Poor little sod had his MMR last week and then had some kind of reaction (I think) a couple of days later. That culminated in me having to take Friday off with zero notice to look after him. I might work for a cunty organisation but thank fuck I have an understanding manager. On top of all that over the weekend we had the joys of not one, not two, not even three, but six! Yes, count em. Six new teeth trying to make an appearance in the little fella's gob'ole. This was not fun. In fact this lead to one of the worst weekends either of us has ever had. Screaming, tantrums, painkillers doing fuck all. This started in the early hours of Sunday morning and didn't let up until Tuesday.It was sheer undiluted mental torture, can't describe the relief I felt on Tuesday when we realised we were over the worst of it. I tell you what, if you're thinking of having a little bundle of joy of your own you better make sure you've got a damn fine support network around you. Unlike me!

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Friday, March 02, 2007

Please arrest me, please arrest me, please arrest me!

That must be what the old bill hear in their head when they see a car like this

on the public highway. I on the other hand just hear 'would you look at that stupid cunt coming the other way, let's try and make eye contact with them so I can laugh in their stupid faces'.
I like customised cars, I loved custom scooters when I was part of that scene and even now whenever I see a smartly turned out bike I'll admire it. This sort of thing though, the graphics and logo thing, it has no creativity at all. No flair. It's just putting stickers on the body work. Oh the engine's probably tuned to perfection and it can do 0-stupid in point 5 of a nanosecond but where's the love? The creativity? It's just shit! There are people who live near me that have a car covered in Harley Davidson graphics. That's right A. Car. Covered. In. Harley Davidson. Graphics! I don't doubt that they own and ride Harleys, but to have it plastered all over your car? It's just shit and should be stopped. I always laugh at them too! Half the population of narj must think I'm a complete cunt. The other half know I am.

Monday, February 26, 2007

Head's stuck on loop. Where's the option for shuffle?

I really like Unstoppable by Bloc Party (think that's what it's called Edit: It's called The Prayer and it really is fucking ace!).
I also really like Giddy Stratospheres by The Long Blondes.
Both are excellent tunes.
I just can't get them out of my head.

Oh fuck...

La la la
La la la la la!

Saturday, February 24, 2007

Normal Disservice will be resumed as soon as possible

We apologise for the recent lack of bloggage
Seeing as I'm unable to post a Tom & Jerry cartoon, here's a picture of some toys.

Friday, February 16, 2007

Told you I was Ill

This has been the heaviest cold I've ever had. I'm not kidding. I think I'm over the worst of it now, I'd say it was almost Flu it was that strong. For the last few days I've been barely able to drag myself out of bed. The Breadknife's been the same. We'd have been fucked if it wasn't for the little Fella going to nursery cos we have no one to help out. No one! That's when you realise how isolated you really are. There's just the three of us. No family within a hundred miles, no friends that'd be ready to drop everything to help out (funny how we always were though) Last night I collapsed in the bathroom. One second taking a piss, the next taking a dive. Smacked me head against the door as I went down too. The Bread was beside herself with worry especially as she couldn't get into the bathroom to see how I was until I'd come round. God I felt like absolute shite. Sweat was pouring off of me, my arms had gone numb, my perception was all over the place. To think I used to pay good money to feel like that. I'm relieved to say I feel much better now, but it still concerns me how alone we are.

I take it back

I slagged off Preston the other week after reading how he'd stormed off the set of Never Mind The Buzzcocks. Have to say though, that watching the episode in question left me feeling quite uncomfortable. Preston didn't walk because he was being precious. He walked because someone was taking the piss out of his wife. Under the circumstances (ie: being on telly and in front of an audience) he couldn't chin Amstell for being a cunt, so he took the only other option and left. Bill Bailey was a bit of a cunt too. I'm probably in the minority on this aren't I? :D

In other news... Is Joss Stone made of plastic?

Wednesday, February 14, 2007


I feel officially shit. I ache, have no energy at all. Have a headache the size of a planet and keep breaking out into really minging sweats. It's not fucking nice and needs to stop now! The Breadknife has is too. Our house is a barrel of fun right now. :(

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the other side of the Avian Flu Restricted Zone.

Where I live and work borders on the A47. My side of the road is safe. The other side has BIRD FLU!!!!!

Not that I'm particularly worried about bird flu, I am, after all, a bloke! :D

Monday, February 05, 2007

Further adventures in Stereo

I bought a new amp.
It made sense. It was only fifty quid, even with having to pay £25 to the firm that looked at the other one it still worked out cheaper than having the repair done and I get a years guarantee as well.

I've never heard of Eltax, but 50 watts a channel for £49.95 will do me very nicely while I try to scrape funds together for something a bit meatier.
Bloke in Richer Sounds asked me why I was buying the Eltax? It's all I can afford mate, is my reply. "But it's only 30 watts per channel" he said. "That's a big drop off from your cambridge."

I point out that it's actually 50 watts per channel. Bloke then says "You know, I can sell you a much better amp than that?" I said 'I know, and if you want to sell me it for fifty quid I'll have it!'

"Oooh no, can't do that"

So I smiled and asked if I could have the Eltax then.

I watched

X-Men III at the weekend. Didn't get a chance to see it at the cinema, and the DVD seemed to be kept at an artificially high price for quite a while. Once it was less than a tenner I though 'I'm avin some of that'. Fucking loved it. Why was everyone saying it was shit? I'm not happy that my favourite X-Person got killed about ten minutes into the film but there was a good dramatic reason for it to happen. I thought it was far superior to the rather lacklustre X-Men II but then I appear to have been in the minority over that one as well.

Friday, February 02, 2007

Them good ol' boys were drinking whiskey and rye

My amplifier is cooked. I'm not best pleased.
I've got to pay £25.00 just to have it looked at. Or £78.00 to have it repaired. Or, buy a new Amp. I'm skint.

January 31st 2007, the day the music died.

Thursday, February 01, 2007

I'm sorry but

Gawd only knows what's going on in Brummagummagummingham at the moment!
I was watching the news this morning and had to shout back at the telly when some shouty bloke said the police shouldn't have mounted yesterdays anti-terrorist raid without first discussing it with the local muslim community.

Well yeah, that would have got results wouldn't it?

I can just imagine that's how the intelligence services should have done things back in the 70's and 80's too. Maybe inform a few of the lads in the pubs around Finsbury Park that 'no offence like, but we're going to lift Joseph, Paddy, and Micky tomorrow morning cos we think they're being a bit naughty.'
Ah roight y'are, don't you be worrying, we'll have a point and a little chat wid em and erryting'll be grand. Tanks!

There you go job done. Why didn't they think of it sooner eh?


Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Wail, Gnash, Complain!

What's going on with my music media type stuff?
Huh? Huh? Go on, tell me. I bet it was you.

My itunes keeps crashing when I'm attempting to rip (ahem) backed up cd's.
My iPod won't mount, itunes says it's corrupted, then I have to do the ipod reset, then it won't mount, then I have to do the iPod reset, then it won't mount, then I have to do the iPod reset, then I switch firewire sockets but the ipod won't mount, so I have to do the ipod reset and then it mounts. Hurrah, but it's been doing all this for a while now and I'm scared to connect the fucking thing to the computer.

And then... Then... I switch on my stereo and I'm only getting the right hand speaker working.
The little fella's drawn to the speakers like flies are to poo, so I check the cables and yeah, one's a bit loose, so I tighten up the connection switch the amp back on and... Nada.

So I swap the speakers over to make sure it's not a fault with them. Nada. Still no left hand channel.

Fucking arsing cuntwankbollocks!

I took the amp round the corner to the local tv and hifi place. I'm paying £25 just to get it looked at. Plus parts, plus VAT.
A couple of teeny tiny resistors have burned out. The fella's never seen it happen before. It's going to be a couple of days. It's not like I get much of a chance to get the stereo playing these days but I'd still like the option thengyewverramuch!

I ain't happy!

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Surely it's not just me?...

But whenever I hear that single by The View, you know, the one that goes "I've had the same jeans on for four days now". I hear 'Brimful of Asha' but sung by George Fucking Formby. Is it just me?

Sunday, January 28, 2007

I may have forgotten to say...

The little fella's been walking for about a week and a half now.
I'm well proud of him :)

Friday, January 26, 2007


I used to hate the people I work for.
Now I fucking despise them with every molecule that makes up every cell of every bone and organ in my body.

Fucking fucking fucking wankers.
Cunts. Absolute cunts!

That is all.

Monday, January 22, 2007

You really can't go home again.

I bought this at the weekend.

Regular readers to here and the Drum will be more than aware that I love comic books. As far back as I can remember I was reading comics. The Beano, Dandy, Whoopee, Whizzer and Chips, Monster Fun (now that was a great comic) Buster, the list is endless. They were the funny comics. Then there was 2000ad, Warlord, Victor, Tiger, they were the slightly older boys comics, and man they were cool. Even more cool, were the British black and white reprints of Marvel comics. Mighty World of Marvel, Conan, The Titans, all used to deliver the most amazing action on a weekly basis. I never knew these were reprints though. Nor that they were originally in colour. I can remember when I was a little kid my Aunt Sue, taking a break from travelling the world, dropped round my Dad's flat with some bloke she'd met. Said bloke said he had a present for me and gave me a bundle of american comic books. I was amazed. They were smaller than our comics, and they were in colour. I particularly remember Ka-Zar, and the original X-men being in this bundle of comics. I fucking loved them, read them and re-read them until they fell apart. That was probably the start of my obsession with what complete and utter wankers refer to as 'sequential art' (fucking sequential art, only a real dyed in the wool cunt would come up with a phrase like that). In 1976 Marvel UK who had been reprinting stuff from the 60's in black and white launched Captain Britain. It was fucking ace. I loved Captain Britain. I loved the fact I had my own Super-Hero to read about. He didn't go to diners for pancakes. He didn't talk about Woody Allen like the characters in Spider-Man did. He was British and he was a double hard bastard. His title didn't last all that long though. Probably because he was being written by Americans who really couldn't write convincing British people back then

It took Alan Moore to write a convincing Captain Britain, but by the time Moore was writing the character I'd grown out of comics (or so I thought) I'd discovered that girls weren't all that bad really. That cigarettes make you look cool, and that lager tasted like shit but if you stuck at it you'd forget all about the taste! It wasn't really until I was 17 and unemployed that I picked up an american comic book again and rediscovered my inner geek! The book in question was Uncanny X-men. I'd never read anything like it. The characters were more than two dimensional shouty people that beat other people up. There was an intelligence behind the writing. There were sub-plots continually being referenced and hints of a bigger picture that, if you stuck with the book, you might get a chance to see. I stuck with the book. They lied about the bigger picture! :D

One of the things that Chris Claremont ( X-Men writer) did that amazed me, was bringing Captain Britain into the book. He looked completely different to the Cap B that I remembered as a kid, but he was definitely Captain Britain. Claremont even moved Captain Britain into a team book called Excalibur where he was leader of what essentially were the British X-Men with a couple of yanks as members so they could sell it back to America. It was a great series at the start but once Claremont left it got very poor indeed and was eventually cancelled.

I had to wait for the internet to be invented before I could discover what it was that Alan Moore had done with the character. Thanks to people on the old Comics International forum I discovered there was a graphic novel featuring Moores work in a single collection. I managed to get hold of a copy via e-bay and was as happy as a pig in shit. The art was a bit scrappy here and there, but then it was being done on a part time basis by some bloke called Alan Davis who also had a full time job. The story though, was colossal, parallel earths, ancient gods, an unstoppable force of nature called The Fury, and all the time the story was being told there were all these little human touches. People speaking to each other like they were people. Not comic book characters simply moving the plot forward. It was good shit I tell thee, and Cap B was back to being my favourite comic character ever ever ever.

Which leads us to the Collection I bought at the weekend. As I explained via e-mail to some chums, when I found out the original strip was being collected my inner 8 year old self jumped with glee. Once I'd sat down to read it I decided my inner 8 year old self was a bit of a twat. Fuck but it was dire. Awful plots, stereotypical Cor Blimey Guv'nah brits, and some of the most stilted dialogue I've ever had to sit through. Who wrote it? Fucking Chris Claremont. The same Chris Claremont who reinvented the X-men making it Marvels' most popular monthly title. He wrote X-men for something like 18 years. 18 fucking years! I can only imagine that he'd written his Captain Britain stories with his eyes shut, while stoned on mescaline. Possibly with an ex-nazi war criminal dictating lines while holding a gun to his head.

It. Was. Fucking. Shit!

I've read elsewhere that Claremont suffered from a very interfering editor who wanted action action action and left him no space for character development but all the same... I'd love to scan a few pages in so you could see how shit it is, but Marvel would probably sue me. They finished the collection on a cliff hanger which says 'to be continued in volume two'. You know I'm going to buy it too, don't you?

I'm such a twat! :D

One pleasant surprise was finding this on the very last page

It's a facsimile of the original 'Fanastic Free Gift' given away with Captain Britain issue one. You had to put elastic bands through the holes in the side and then loop them over your ears. It hurt. But that didn't matter. I was 8 years old and I WAS Captain Britain! :D

Friday, January 19, 2007



It's a bit cuntish sometimes innit!

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Can I just say...


You're in the public domain old son. If Someone takes the piss out of your missus who's also in the the public domain you take it on the chin and move on. Of course you could also have engaged in a bit of banter with Amstell but that was obviously beyond you.

Boys will be boys eh?

Monday, January 08, 2007

Yesterday was the Seventh of January

So that means the Little Fella's one year old!
He had a fab day. All the Rellies came to visit and spoiled him rotten. It's a shame really that he won't be able to remember it, but me and the breadknife will. :)

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Well that makes a pleasant change

T-mobile fucked up.

My new phone was a bit dodgy, it wouldn't connect to a computer, the memory card would show up but the phone wouldn't, which meant a lot of flexibility was lost. I contacted them and was told that as Sony Ericcson don't support MAC (the swine) I'd have to connect it to a PC to see what happened. Naturally the phone didn't turn up on the PC either. So I logged on to their website and followed the links to report a dodgy phone. Except I didn't. Although the link said I was reporting a faulty phone and getting a refund what I was doing in reality was cancelling my contract!!

Well, that was a bit fucking dumb wasn't it?

So as soon as I realised what was going on I called T-mobile. Don't panic they said, it's how we do things. You cancel your contract, send in your phone, we contact you to arrange a new phone once we've got your old one. Everything's fine.

No everything isn't fine. I sent my phone off (this is after 2 or 3 calls to confirm what I'd been told) and got an email expressing sorrow that I'd decided to cancel and that I'd be contacted in 28 days. Oh fuck, I'm such a twat! I emailed back straightaway and then called customer services. The bloke I spoke to was great, said he could see I'd been mis-advised but that there wasn't anything he could do to stop the process now. My contract would be cancelled and I'd lose my number too. All he could do was put me through to sales to arrange a new contract. The girl I spoke to was great too. Except she couldn't help me as my contract was being cancelled.

Big big bag of big baggy bollocks.

So there I was with no phone and a sim card that could expire any time.
I stuck it in my v3x (I hate my v3x, it's a cunt!) so at least I had something. I composed (with the Breadknifes help) a final e-mail to T-Mobile letting them know how fucked off I was with the whole situation. Then, yesterday, as if by magic my phone rang. It was a very nice lady from T-Mobile who'd read my e-mail and then read all my other e-mails and the logs from my phone calls. She acknowledged I'd been badly advised and fucked about. She put a stop to the cancellation, sorted me out a new phone, sorted me out a bit of a discount and apologised profusely for all my grief. I was staggered. I'd come to the same opinion as Status Anxiety that all the phone providers are the same. To have someone bend over backwards to sort things out was incredible. My phone arrived today. I'm happy.

Mind you, I've not connected it to a computer yet.

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Sad day

Some of you who used to read my old blog may recall me mentioning a workmate who'd been diagnosed with cancer at the age of 28... She died on my Birthday. I didn't know a thing about it until last Thursday when I returned to work after Christmas. I was gutted, totally gutted, but at the same time I felt relief for her that her suffering was over and that her family could now move on.

Today was her funeral. Fuck but I got choked up. The Crematorium was absolutely packed out which I guess is a testament to how well regarded 'D' was. She was a lovely person, always happy and smiling (not in an irritating way) she loved her family to bits and was absolutely thrilled for me when I told her I was going to be a Dad. Everytime we bumped into each other we'd have a chat about stuff. I find it hard to believe that she's gone. We weren't best friends, we'd never even been to the pub together but she was a very very special person. That was evident in what everyone had been saying about her. I hate the fact that she died at 29. She deserved more from life. So did her Husband and young daughters who have to get on with things now she's gone. Sometimes, when you think your life is really shit it's worth sitting back and thinking about what you do actually have, and then think about D.

Rest in Peace mate. x