Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Have you seen Pastry?

Now see, at first when I walked past this poster I thought 'awwww, I hope they find it.' then as the words settled into my head I though 'You cunt!' :D

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Whineaws pt.2

Anyone see last weeks Never Mind The Buzzcocks? No? Well for a start, why the fuck not? Simon Amstel (sp?) is hilarious and he has silly hair you can laugh at when he's not being funny. Happy Days as Phil Tufnell says while accepting money for advertising Loan sharks. Last weeks Buzzcocks was real car crash telly. Why? Well, unfortunately because Amy Winehouse was on it. I made a big thing about her being very funny indeed when she was on the show a few years back, and was really looking forward to the show when I found out she was a guest again. Oh dear oh dear oh dear... What a terrible fucking shame. She's an utter pisshead. I thought 'Rehab' (which is still a great song) was supposed to be a testament to her getting her shit together by herself. Wrong! It's obviously about her being totally in denial. I was gutted. She still shone for odd moments, but seeing her ask the host if she could please have another drink was a particular low. I like, no, I love drinking. Sometimes I worry I drink too much. Then I see people who really do drink too much and I stop worrying about it. It's a shame to see such a talented person chuck it down the shitter. She's like Pete Doherty but with really really nice tits. Ah well.

Check this out for more car crash TV. This is Ames at the end of the Charlotte Church show (the best part of the Charlotte Church show, this being the best of the best, it was also the end of the series) duetting with the Welsh wonder on a cover of Billy Jean by some kiddy fiddler. Spot the pisshead.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

People know me too well

I had this emailed to me today.
I was asked if it was me as a baby. :D

Monday, November 20, 2006

Now she's in purple now she's a turtle


It's funny how life imitates bollocks or something isn't it?
There you are merrily writing meaningless plop about your otherwise
humdrum life and suddenly something from out of left field kicks you in the nads and snogs
your girlfriend right in front of you.

Y'see not three hours after I posted about the junk mail thing I received some more junk mail.
Only it was in my inbox. From someone I'd never heard of. They however, had heard of me.
Seeing as they'd cut and pasted the final line from my post. Then they added their own piece to it

'I'm a bit of a cunt really! :)'

"A bit.
Don't make me laugh
You are all that is wrong with the world."

Now this freaked me out a tad. Not only have I no idea who this person is, but they seem a tad pissed off with me.
So I replied.

'1 Who are you?
2 What on earth have I ever done to you?
3 Where did you get my email address?'

And this is the reply

"My name's christine.
You've done absolutely nothing to me.
I have my sources.

You should really be more careful."

Something's a bit shonky with the above isn't it. I'm still a bit goofed out but I want to know who's fucking me about so...

'Okay, so who have I upset for you to be emailing me?

"Listen, I cannot say because I don't know. I have a boss, he doesn't explain, but I thought it only fair warning to say that I have to look into you. I probably shouldn't, but there you go."

There's me thinking it must be the porn cops. They're finally going to bust me for all that monkey smut on my hard drive.
In reality, I'm still a bit goofed by it all. I'd love to know how this person got my email address. I don't leave it on peoples comments cos I hate being spammed. The only way for someone to know it is for them to either know it themselves or they've been given it by someone else.

'Well that's me absolutely flummoxed then.
To say I'm all that's wrong in the world though... I think you'll find that there is far far worse."

This is the reply

"I'm sure - that was my complaint in the meeting, I always get the odd bits of things. And I'm sure nothing will come out of it. Most of the people I have had to look into continue with their lives rather normally. Still, looking into what I've got so far, you seem to be... angry? Let's go with angry. Perhaps it is nothing and then, as I said, nothing will come out of it. In any case, this is the first and, hopefully, the last you hear from me. I never come in contact with people I look into until the very end, and that is only if I've found something. You certainly sound like you've no clue, and that is a good thing.
In any case, thank you for replying and... just be a good person. It sounds vague and deep and meaningless, but it's what I can do."

Can you see the conciliatory tone creeping in? This person has gone from telling me I'm a complete and utter cunt to almost empathising with me. This is complete bollocks. Nasty bollocks, but bollocks all the same. So I start racking me brains to see who I might have pissed off recently. Believe it or not but the list really isn't that long. Except... I did leave a particularly scathing coda on my last blog didn't I? To a couple who I believe have badly wronged all of the people in their lives yet continue to justify their actions in public. I think you know who I'm talking about. Once you start to analyse the writing style you start to suspect that English may not be their first language. There's a lack of diminutives, there are no spelling mistakes, there's a hell of a lot of punctuation. There's also the fact that this person has forgotten to capitalize the first letter of their name. Nobody does that. They may forget to capitalize someone elses name as they write it, but never their own.

So anyway, my final e-mail...

"You look into people? What does that mean then? Who's your boss then? Who do you work for? I really would love to know where you got my email address from. It's not something I tend to leave lying around on the web."

This is the reply

"Ah, no, the e-mail was a hard one. I cannot tell you who I work for, and I really - really - shouldn't even be e-mailing you. Your e-mail, though, is safe. I have it, no one else. I will go through my investigation, as I said, I am sure it is nothing, the more I look into it, the less it seems like something we should be troubling ourselves with. I mean, damn, co-workers going into Congo and Afghanistan and here I am. And in the winter. Christ.
But I shouldn't rant and I shouldn't say more. I'd say don't worry, but that hardly seems a good thing to say. Just be a good man, take care of yourself and your family."

What a sack of shit! Talk about over egging the omelette.

"I mean, damn, co-workers going into Congo and Afghanistan and here I am. And in the winter. Christ."

Oh Do Fuck Off You Stupid Melodramatic Cunt! Fucking Afghanistan and the Congo, and you're bothering with l'il ol me? Why shucks I must be a real danger to the future security of the entire cunting world or something! Are you mentally ill? Do you seriously think that I'm going to believe you? You wouldn't be getting in touch with me. You wouldn't be cutting and pasting from my blog. You'd do your job and leave me none the wiser. You think I'm angry? I'm fucking livid you fucking idiotic mek hee Kan fuckpig! Fuck off and wax your moustache you cunt!

Thursday, November 16, 2006

How to deal with direct junk mail

It's annoys the hell out of me so now I share the hate. Simply envelope up all the flyers and leaflets that your poor old postie has to deliver through your letterbox (using one of the advertisers envelopes if at all possible) and post via your nearest or favourite postbox. Remember kids, at some point the fascist bastards who run your local council are going to charge your waste (and possibly recycling) by weight. Why should you pay to dispose of unsolicited mail?

I'm a bit of a cunt really. :)

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

My phone

is a cunt and I hate it. It's a motorola v3x. I never wanted it in the first place. I had a razr. I loved my razr it was a great phone. It made calls, it took photos and videos and it looked well fucking sexy. The call clarity was superb, best I've had bar very old nokia's, but it went a bit shonky. Dust started accumulating under the screen making the display illegible under certain lights. I ended up after a week of protracted conversations with 02 customer services being fobbed off with this poxy fucking v3x. Fucking thing's a reconditioned job too! Bang out of order. It's ugly, calls always break up no matter where I am, and the fucking battery needs recharging after 2 days and a few text messages. That's bollocks. It's shit! I want a new phone. Specifically the Sony Ericcson w850i walkman jobbie. That'll do me very nicely thanks and 02 can stick my contract up its big flabby arse! Gah!

This post will say nothing to you about your life and should not be read by anybody.

Sunday, November 12, 2006

Gah! You stupid inbreed!

You have to wonder at the fuck you mentality that most people have don't you.
The Breadknife was driving home from the supermarket some typical norfolkite comes the other way towing a trailer that's fully loaded with shingle. He's driving as fast as he can, there's no tarpaulin to cover the shingle. The Breadknife's car has three dings on the bonnet. It also has two lovely big chips on the windscreen. Autoglass visit tomorrow, luckily there's no excess to pay out. All the same, you do have to wonder at the IQ of the twat towing that trailer. It probably has a minus sign in front of it.

Talking of low IQ's... We went to Great Yarmouth today. Took the little fella to the Sealife centre there as we had a buy one ticket get one free thingy. Just as well really It's £10.95 per adult to get in. I decided not to go to some Sci Fi fair at the University of East Anglia today cos it was going to cost a fiver each to get in. So all in all I've saved errrrrr... No money at all! Still, the little fella loved looking at all the fish and there's a shark section with a glass tunnel in it. He was fascinated by the Sharks and Turtles. Especially the Nurse Shark that was just laying on the glass of the tunnel. Not a huge fish but I wouldn't want to brush it's teeth.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006


Last night I dreamt of my old best mate from back when I lived in Romford.
I've not seen him for 17 years now. Spoke to him briefly around the time of my wedding (15 years ago) when he told me he had a Daughter, haven't spoken to him since. What was really weird was how my dream made him look like he probably would do now instead of how he looked back then. He was bit bigger (like we all are) a bit fuller around the face, his features had changed slightly but he was still recognisably Jon. It was a pretty cool dream, we bumped into each other in the street and just chatted about stuff like a couple of geezers. I woke up feeling a bit melancholy that We'd had no contact for so long. I think it's too long now to get in touch again. Neither of us would be the people we were. We probably wouldn't like each other or have much in common now. Odd.

Sunday, November 05, 2006


Fuck me! How good is that Amy Winehouse song? I'm always wary of these singer/songwriter types. They irritate me with their mimsy acoustic meanderings, they very rarely do anything slightly interesting and tend to morph into a single bloated mithering entity in my head. A gestalt creature formed of Katie Melua, Jamie Cullum, James Blunt, Nora Jones etc which can only be named Youdullfuckingcunt. I'd always lumped Amy Winehouse in with this lot. Seems that's a bit of a mistake. Rehab is just a cracking tune. Full on soul, proper soul too none of this r&b wobbly throat bollocks that people think is soul. This is bass and horns and plaintive vocals, and it tells a story too. Fucking class.

I should have realised after seeing her on Never Mind the Buzzcocks years ago that no one that funny is going to be making shit music.

Nice tits n'all! :D

Thursday, November 02, 2006


Watch yourselves kids. Apparently Customs are having a crackdown on stuff coming in from the US. Anything over 18 quid is fair game to them. Fucking £8.19 I had to pay. £4.19 in duty and the other £4.00 was just for the Post Office to store it until HM Cuntstoms got their filthy porky hands all over it. Bastards!

Defy inevitability!

"I'm 38 next month so I've thrown all my trainers away and all my records with loud drums on," Blur bassist Alex James.

I'm 38 next month too. There's no way I'm getting rid of either. Grow old disgracefully. Don't go gently into the night, rage against the dying of the light.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Ere I am!

Karma's Drum will probably disappear at some point so this is where I'll be.
It'll be a shame to lose three years worth of posts but most (well all) of it was unexpurgated shite anyway.