Sunday, April 22, 2007

My apple tree hates me.

And who can blame it? Seeing as it's gone from being the vibrant example of verdant loveliness you see here


(being thoroughly enjoyed by Isis) to this...



It had to be done. The fucking thing was well out of control and hadn't been pruned at all in the eight years I've been here. Probably hadn't been pruned for at least ten years prior to us moving in. I did find evidence of someone else's pruning but there wasn't much of it.

Didn't really have a clue what I was doing which is pretty shocking considering I spent something like 12 years being paid to be a gardener. In my defence the Tories swingeing cuts and compulsory competitive tendering had pretty much put paid to any kind of formal training. Pruning was mainly done in the winter by using a hedgecutter!

Fucking hard work though, especially considering that after hacking the poor thing to pieces I then had to cut all the main branches into 1 foot lengths (for firewood next year) and break all the twigs into sizes suitable for kindling wood. Trouble is I can't use the wood for at least a year, so I still have to pay some fucker for wood or coal this winter.
Don't think Isis is too pleased either. How's she going to launch stealth attacks on the local fauna now?

She looks well grumpy to me.

25 comments:

danny black said...

You don't do things by half! They'll be no apple pie this year then? :)

Rad said...

Thems eatin apples. Not cookas! :D

c said...

Dear Rad-Gardener-man,

we get apples on random years..one year we get them, then nothing for a while..is that normal?

cacoa

Rad said...

Dear Cacoa lady. I don't know much about trees at all really, but that doesn't sound quite right. Hack a few branches down and see what happens. :)

bakerina said...

At the risk of sounding like a) a party-crasher and b) an irksome knowitall, there is a chance that the lovely Ms. Cacoa's apple tree might be behaving normally. In the US, specifically in New York State, where I live, we have a variety of apple called Baldwin, which is great for pies (although I'll confess that I like to eat the cookas, myself). For reasons I don't fully understand, most Baldwin trees produce fruit biennally, not annually, which means that if you miss apple pie season, you have to wait two years for another one, which is tedious -- unless you're luck enough to have trees that produce in alternating years.

I will agree, though, that a little judicious pruning might not go at all amiss. :)

(ducks sheepishly back into the lurker pool)

Miss Elaine said...

Good inside info Bakerina! I, on the other hand, have no insight on fruit bearing trees.

But at least I know about Petulia.

Rad said...

Bakerina: (hello Bakerina, nice to see you about) I can only go by my experience with my particular tree and that's fruited every year so far. With the possible exception of this year due to the Norfolk Bow saw Massacre! :D

Miss Elaine: Like a Dwarf with learning difficulties you are neither big nor clever! :p

Anonymous said...

I might make a banner for the Freak Conference and carry it above your head.

"He doesn't know what about Petulia".

Oh, how they'll laugh. And point.

Rad said...

I'll just point to the wife and kid thus ensuring all the geeks know I've had sex at least once. Then I'll point and laugh at all of them. Miss Elainonymous! :p

Miss Elaine said...

I'll stick a sign on your back which says "1 turkey baster for sale. Used once".

Rad said...

^^^Will fill for cash!

bod said...

now you two play nice or i'll have to sit you in the naughty corner.

Rad said...

NO!

*runs away screaming*

c said...

Dear Bakerina Lady, yes you have jogged my memory of some hazy biology lesson from a few decades ago..the thing with these apples is that i don't even think it's once every two years, they seem to pop up when they feel like it.

cacoa

P.S. RAD SQEALS LIKE A GIRL!!!!!!!

c said...

oh bugger, that's SQUEAL..SQUEEL..how the F do you spell it??

Rad said...

*points and laughs at C*

c said...

NO!

*runs away screaming*

bakerina said...

Dear Lovely C, that does sound like aberrant apple tree behavior. (*tries to block out imagery from first Evil Dead movie, what with its aberrantly-behaving trees*) You may indeed want to engage the services of a good tree-maintenance service. Or, if all else fails, just prune the dickens out of it. :)

*decides to join in the running away and screaming behavior just because it looks like a good time*

bod said...

right thats it! all of you sit down, fingers on lips (don't you dare rad) heads down. not one more word....

Miss Elaine said...

*snigger*

Rad said...

*trump!*

Delboy's Daughter said...

A year???
Talk about forward planning! I dont know where i'll be in a year let alone whether i'll need firewood.

Rad said...

I'm not planning a year ahead. I can't use it for a year. You have to allow cut wood at least a year to dry out before burning it on an open fire or in my case a wood burner. Otherwise you end up with tons of gunk up your chimley and you ladies know all about that! :D

furtive said...

"I can only go by my experience with my particular tree and that's fruited every year so far."



too much info!!! ;)

c said...

dear bakerina lady,
I am now scared of our two apple trees. They look very abberrant.



Dear Bod Miss,

Rad started it.


Cacoa