Thursday, August 30, 2007

Didn't care then. Don't care now!

The news media are really getting on my wick at the moment. Every day for what feels like the last fortnight they've been banging on about the tenth anniversary of some overblown tart pegging it in France. I can vividly remember that day ten years ago. I got up late (it was a Sunday) made a coffee, lit up a ciggy and turned on the telly waiting for the Waltons to come on. Instead of Ma, Pa, John-Boy, Mary-Beth and the rest of the inbreds I get some gormless fuckwit telling me about the accident in Paris. Fuck that, I wanted to watch the Waltons.

Indifference turned to dismay as channel after channel (all four of them) cancelled their schedules and embarked on a sickening display of mawkishness. I was so moved by watching the endless eulogies and public displays of patheticness that I went down the pub and stayed there! I wasn't alone.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Sunday, August 19, 2007

Russian Dolleks?

Well it made me laff.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Tuesday, August 14, 2007


I guess coming through a near miss accident is supposed to be life affirming? What about when it's two in quick succession?

Driving home from work ( I can't ride the bike at the moment. Long story) last Friday. I think to myself, I know, I'll take a wide circular route, that way I can pick up some plonk and not have to go out again. So I pick up said booze (Van Loveren Blanc de Noir if you must know) and I'm heading for home. The sun is shining, the iPod is on, the music is good, the window is open, the van on the other side of the road has taken that corner a bit too fast and is quite a way over on my side of the road. Ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod steer left, as far left as possible. Thank fuck for that. Wherethefuckdidthatmotorbikecomefrom?!!! Brake! BRAKE! BRAKE!!!

Some cunt on a motorbike, he'd obviously got caught out by the same corner as the van driver, may even have been playing silly buggers with him? Anyway, he's ended up on my side of the road, bearing in mind I'm already as far to the left as it's possible to get without leaving the road itself, and he's aiming right at me. I'd say he managed to regain control of his bike at about six feet in front of me. I was absolutely fucking terrified. I drove home about 30-40 mph, had some cunt in Renault trying to monster me to go faster for most of the way. Twat!

This just reinforces my point about country roads. Yes the speed limit is 60mph, but if the road is barely wide enough for two cars to pass would you be going that fast? Or are you one of those arrogant fuckers who thinks everyone else should be getting out of your way?

Saturday, August 11, 2007

Tony Wilson 1957-2007

Sad day

I'll raise a glass to the mad bastard tonight. Cheers Tony.

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Made me laff

An oldie, but a goodie!

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

What's a Shitzu?

It's a small dog whose arse is indistinguishable from it's head.

A shit zoo on the other hand... Saturday was glorious, the first really good weekend in gawd knows how long. The Breadknife decided we'd have a family day, which I was more than happy with. So we had a choice The Dinosaur Park or The Norfolk Wildlife Park which is just up the road. I, in my infinite wisdom decided that the little fella was too young to appreciate the Dinosaur park so we'd go to the Wildlife park instead.


We should have realised from the half empty car park that something was wrong. The alarm bells should really have started to ring when we saw one family read the notice by the entrance and then walk back to their car. However, we persevere... The notice says that the focus of the park has changed to an interactive play experience for kids and that there are no longer 'exotic' animals on display. They do however have British rare breeds and wildlife still on display. So, twelve quid lighter and in we go.

Me and the Bread have been to this place a few times. Admittedly quite a few years ago now, overtime and shift rotas over the years meant we didn't have that many weekends together, and those we did have were highly prized and generally used to recharge batteries. So it's been a while...

First impressions are, this place is fucked! There are handwritten notices all over the place. The 'interactive' kids area is a bunch of climbing frames of back garden standard, these are festooned in notices saying things like 'only two kids at a time' and 'no adults' and 'keep children supervised at all times' There's a bouncy castle. We didn't look at the bouncy castle cos Little fella's too small for them but I can only imagine it being covered in similar signage. A sandpit, to be fair the sandpit looked good fun. Some Trampolines, again of the standard you'd find in your average back garden. Finally the G0-Kart Track. It's a track, surrounded by hay-bales. The Go-Karts are a motley selection of pedal jobs and a couple of little kiddie flinstone-style ride on cars. It's pretty grim.

Onward then, to the animal enclosures. Oooh look! A great big bunny. Admittedly the bunny is quite impressive. It's a Californian Giant and it is very big ( I did wonder at first if it might be a Hare!) Next to the big bunny is an enclosure with some Chipmunks in. This is ok, I suppose. Chipmunks are cool and Albino Chipmunks are absolutely icebox. 'Oh look' says the Bread, 'A baby one just ran into the box. I missed it. 'There it goes' she says. I just catch a glimpse of it, it's not a chipmunk. It's a fucking mouse! I'm not impressed. Next some wee cute baby piggies. Only we're not allowed to touch them as they might bite. The little fella's very interested in them and the piggies appear desperate for a bit of attention but we do as the sign says and don't touch. Then there's some chickens. Yeah, they may be Rhode Island Reds but they're just fucking chickens! Some more chickens.. Some weird oriental pheasant you can't actually see. 'Oh Look' It's a peahen with her young. In an enclosure to protect the chicks I guess? Peacock chicks are funny looking buggers cos they have runty versions of the adult crest so they're quite amusing. What's not amusing are the rats, yes, Rats, that are running around the enclosure and blatantly nesting underneath the sleeping area. I'm a bit miffed about that. There's no excuse for it really. You see rats you get pest control, end of! That pretty much killed the place for me, one more lowlight was the carp pool, yes, the r is in the wrong place. Then on to the Cafe for two cans of diet coke and a flapjack bar, all for the not at all reasonable price of £2.70. TWO POUNDS SEVENTY!!! The Breadknife started to get a big quivery lipped about it all. Blaming herself for 'another shit day' I had to take it on the chin and point out that it was down to me that we'd gone to the animal park. From talking to people at work it turns out that the park submitted improvement plans to the local council and got turned down. It's a shame that it's declined so badly but really they ought to think very carefully about carrying the business on. After all, there's good eating on one of those big bunnies.

Friday, August 03, 2007