WTF?!!!

Seriously though... What THE FUCK?!!!

I've always found those adverts for toy baby dolls that look and feel like a real infant to be somewhat disturbing.
Now this!

What really grates is how the advert goes on about it being the most realistic baby monkey EVER!
It's not a monkey, it's a fucking ape! It's not a baby, it's a fucking doll.
How mentally ill do you have to be. What level of loneliness do you have to be at, to even consider buying this?
It's dreadful. Fucking dreadful!

TATT

Tired All The TIME. That's me.
It's partly why I rarely blog anymore. Well that and the lunatic immediacy of Facebook. It's easier to swear on peoples statuses than it is to sit here daily and trot out the usual tirade of swearing and self-loathing. I dunno, I reckon it's time to close the blog. Anyone still bother checking in?

Irony... Much?

So there I am, riding home from work. Approaching a fairly narrow 'pinch point' where there's a traffic island in the middle of the road. I glance behind, see a car coming up on me and realise there's plenty of time for it to get around me before we get to the pinch point. The car passes me, I look behind again, there's another car approaching but to my mind not enough time for it to get around me. So I do what I always do in this situation, I move out toward the centre of the road. Most drivers will realise that what they were about to attempt is a bit fucking stupid and hold back for that brief moment in time that allows me to safely exit the pinch point and allows them to safely overtake me. Except, this fucker is still coming, so I move out a bit more, but they're still coming. They're now attempting to overtake me by driving up the turning point to the medical practice on the other side of the road. Their car is square on to the traffic island. I'm convinced the car is finally going to hold back, but no, it accelerates, hard! It just manages to slip between me and the traffic island, there's about a foot between me and a car. Now, a foot may seem like a fairly healthy distance between two objects, but when one object is travelling at 15mph and the other at 30mph + it's not much of a gap at all. Naturally I do my fucking nut at this stupid selfish ignorant cunt. Then I see the sticker in the back window. It says 'THINK BIKE!'

Hello, been a while hasn't it?

Fear became the ultimate tool of this government.

(C) The Gruaniad.

I love this picture.

I was prodded

Someone asked me when I was going to update and I realised that I'd not blogged since posting my 'hilarious' Valentines card. Thing is, I have so little time these days that I rarely get to sit at the computer and write when I have something to write about. I suppose I could have written about the 12 year old cunt who road raged me in his little hatchback. That would have made for a good post, but any ire I may have felt about that incident has pretty much evaporated now. Shall I be topical? The Government... Cunts, aren't they?

Did you hear about Jonathon Ross? He's obviously suffering from a bit of depression or something after the Daily Mail instigated witchhunt (and lets face it, if Piers Morgan is constantly slating you, you must be doing something right) But apparently Ross was cautioned by the old bill for pinching kitchen equipment. When questioned he said it was a whisk he was prepared to take.

I'm onto the third control box on my electric bike. Not too happy about that as it's only 5 months old, but hopefully it's sorted now. Rather amusingly after the second one was fitted I noticed that one side of it was bulging out and there was a gap between it and the box. I took it in to the dealership and the bloke fixed it by hitting it with a hammer... I shit you not.

Watching The Wire on DVD, bought the first Box set for the Breadknife at Christmas and now we're hooked. We've just started series 4 this week. If you've not seen it give it a look. Like Battlestar Galactica it's just really intelligent TV that never patronises its audience. They're showing it on BBC2 right now. Give it a look, thank me later.

Er... That's it.

for the ladeeeeeeez

Death to fanatics!!!

I just read this http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/7853325.stm and had to laugh at how religious people can get so twisted by their faith that they wish death and damnation on all who disagree with them. I also find that as I've become older I've become less tolerant of religion in all of its forms.

I used to be of the opinion that if someone chose to worship a particular diety then they should be free to do so. I even used to say that I respect their choice, respect that they have a faith.

I can't honestly say that I feel that way any more.
I see religion as a way of suppressing populaces. To me it's nothing but supernatural mumbo jumbo. A way to explain things that humanity didn't have the knowledge of, or science to analyse, that which we could not immediately explain or understand. I'm also sure that thousands of years ago it was very useful in making people behave in a civilised manner. Be good,or God will get you. High Priest/Priestess as Chief Constable perhaps? In it's worst aspect religion is twisted and used as a means for the powerful within that religion to whip up hatred against those that do not follow the religion. A banner beneath which the faithful and the uneducated can rally and use to justify all sorts of atrocities.

To be blunt religion really fucking offends me. The death and destruction in the name of whatever god just cannot be forgiven. The exploitation, the suppression, the barbarism practiced in the name of whatever deity. It just cannot be forgiven.

Why should I respect people's religion? Do the religious respect my atheism? Of course they don't. How can they, if they truly believe in their particular god?

The sooner we shake off these stupid hangovers from a less enlightened age the happier we'll be as a race. Gah!

Prince of the road

Cycling home Wednesday night through thick fog wasn't much fun. I did get a brief respite when I got shouted at as I sailed past what appeared to be a broken down car with its hazards flashing. It barely registered that it was me being shouted at, so I looked over my shoulder to see a very forlorn looking young lady watching me fade into the distance.

Being a lovely bloke (not wanting to blow my own trumpet, like) I turned back to see if she was ok. Turns out her mate's care had a flat battery, she'd bought some jump leads along but being a girl didn't know how to use them (her words, not mine!) So after a bit of messing about involving getting her mate to roll the broken down car backwards so that we could a) Get the car providing the jumpstart in front of the car requiring the jump, thus enabling the leads to actually reach the respective batteries. And b) Get the car providing the jumpstart out of the fucking road so that other cars could actually get past. Tch! Fucking wimmin eh? *raises eyebrows* :D Job done, cars started, friendly advice imparted on not just driving round the corner and parking up, but taking it for a spin around the city to get some juice back in the battery, and then I'm on my way.

By now the fog had also lifted so I was feeling pretty good about things. Then I get to the 'country' part of my journey. Fuck me! I cannot see a fucking thing. I've got two really good front lights on the bike. One points at the road, the other I use in low visibility so that I can see the side of the road. The one that points straight ahead is useless. All I can see is a cone of light stretching out in front of me, all it's illuminating is fog. Cycling through it is the most bizarre experience, it's like having your senses turned down to 3. Everything's muted, there's no input. It's like moving through a ghost world but there's real terror whenever I'm aware that a car is approaching, either from the front or rear. A really really unpleasant experience. I dunno why I'm even bothering to write all this. It's not very interesting really is it? Ah well, it's written now, and you've got to the end of it and thought to yourself, 'for fuck's sake, is that it?'

Yes, yes that's it!

Choo! :D

Art as political statement

I do enjoy a bit of arty cheekiness. Especially when it upsets stuffed shirt fartknockers. :)

Utter Fucking

CUNTS!

. The cunt that tries to overtake me when there's a traffic island in the road. The road is only so wide, there is a big lump of concrete in it. I do not magically disappear when you try to overtake me you stupid thick ignorant cunt!

. The cunt who overtakes me so closely that I can feel the paintwork on their car. You are a cunt! You cunting irresponsible cuntox! I hope your feet fall off. Preferably just as you take the first step on a really big escalator.

. The cunt who overtook me on a blind bend. A blind bend. That's three of us you could have killed. You, Me, and the person driving the car that's coming the other way. You don't know they're there until they're there. You stupid stupid pigshit ignorant fucking cunt!

. Then there's the cunt from this morning that, while on a very narrow street with cars parked either side thought it was perfectly acceptable to drive straight at me instead of pulling over to the left where there was a space for you to pull into. Yes, you did look surprised as I shouted 'Fuck off you stupid Twat' didn't you? Even more surprised when I shouted 'For Fuck's sake, there's a space you could have pulled into'. And as for your boyfriend, well he just wouldn't even dare make eye contact with me. You pair of pathetic cunts.

I love cycling. I hate car drivers. They mainly appear to be cunts!

E-biking

I have to tell you kids, it is sooooooo much fun. On the days I commute on the x6 I end up at my destination with a fucking great smile on me face. It's all about the fresh air I guess. And possibly the excercise too. The way I have the bike set up means I still have to pedal, and sometimes I'm pedalling hard but the bike takes the edge off, so I can do twice the distance I used to do on my old bike, but arrive feeling like I've excercised but not like I'm at death's door. It's also an amazing feeling cycling up a hill at the same speed you were managing on the flat, and cycling into a headwind (you try it!) is a piece of piss now. Seems like a win/win situation at the moment. The only downside is that the throttle is a quarter sized jobby that's operated with the thumb and forefinger. Fuck but it makes my hand ache after a while. Not nice.

Nuts on the radio

I can't believe I just read this

Torchwood star John Barrowman has apologised for exposing his genitals during a live BBC Radio 1 broadcast.

He got his dick out in a radio studio. The presenters didn't object. Indeed, it was due to the presenters raising the subject that he did it. One listener complained.

One!

Obviously in the wake of that Brand/Ross/Sachs/Baillie over reaction the beeb has chosen to completely over react again.

One complaint!

Anyone who buys the Daily mail is a cunt.

The Byke!

It's here, I am now the owner of an electric bike, and let me tell you, it's fabby!
It's also very whizzy! I kept thinking something was wrong with it cos the motor was cutting out. Then I realised it cuts out at 15mph and the power comes back in if your speed drops below that. It really is very cool indeed. Hills, no problem. Headwinds, no problem. I've still got to pedal otherwise the motor doesn't come on at all. I've got it set like that so I don't become a lazy cunt. I've only done a couple of miles on it so far due to not having the time to really let rip, but it's looking promising. Here it be, nowt special to look at, but that's the point :)



And here it is next to my old workhorse. Not a lot in it really is there?

A week ago

I had to have a tooth extracted. Upper rear molar. It was surprisingly painful. The tooth had been fucked for years. I'd had a root extraction and filling on it about 7 years ago, and it was never right after that. The filling would work loose, the tooth would get cracked. I was sick of having it repaired long before the dentist was. Three months ago I had to have it filled, again, a month after that the back fell away. I struggled with it, because I really didn't want to go back to the Dentist. Then, a week ago I discovered that the bit of food I had trapped behind it wasn't a bit of food. It was an abscess. It went pop! So, I called the dentists, they got me in on an emergency appointment and I went through an experience I would rather forget. The Dentist decided 'we' had been trying to save it long enough. I'd have been happy to have seen it gone long ago. So, having decided to have the bastard out he promptly set about drilling away the root filling, and then cutting the tooth out at the base. Then came the industrial strength pliers, as he set to on each root individually. It was at this point that I started making 'argh' type noises. I could feel the bastard root wriggling about in my face, and it fucking hurt. Not a twinge, not an ache. IT. FUCKING. WELL. HURT. Eventually, after I'd been reduced to a mewling kitten (about three or four 'arghs') the Dentist stopped and asked if it was hurting!!!

Another jab later and we were well away. At the end of it all he asked if I could bear to look at the extracted roots because they were very impressive. He implied they could be worn on a necklace. The irony, shit teeth, great roots! For fucks sake!

So here I am, a week later, a very tender gaping hole in the back of me gob, and trying desperately to keep food away from it. It aches like a bastard on fathers day at times, though I'm told that's normal.

Look after your teeth kids. Cos extractions are cunts.

On the bright side I'm finally getting my electric bike tomorrow. :)

Agh!

It's been bloody ages innit? Loads going on. Loads of poxy plastic kiddy crap. Bugger all time to write about it. I promise you (all one of you, and that's probably me!) I'll blog properly soon.

No god, only religion

I'm loving this :D No doubt it'll end up getting its windows bricked by fundamentalists.

Just a quick edit to point out this article at my new favouritest website in the whole world ever. The Daily Mash

While you're there have a look for the story about Billy Bragg.

STOP!

Thinking of adding fuel to your car?
Please, wait until at least 5 o clock this afternoon.
I've got to fill up on my way home from work so the price of a litre is bound to drop by at least a penny about a nanosecond after I put the hose back in its holder.

Every. Fucking. Time!

I'm going electric

I'm buying an electric bike. Yes yes, apparently they're for old ladies who smell of wee to do the shopping on, but no, they aren't. They were, some still are. But the manufacturers have realised there's a market out there full of people who are pissed off with paying a fortune for fuel and the other costs associated with cars, and they've started to aim product at them. I had a go on a couple of e-bikes yesterday and they are just unbelievable amounts of fun. On my hybrid I was lucky to get 18-20 mph going downhill and pedalling like fuck. Yesterday I cycled at 18mph uphill and into a headwind. You still have to pedal, you just don't have to end up with your heart hammering ten to the dozen and your lungs straining to inflate. As the guy whose bikes I was using put it 'It's like having an invisible hand pushing you along'.

The way I see it I'll benefit from... Less fuel to pay for. Possibly getting rid of one car completely. Getting fit (again) after all, I still have to pedal, I just don't have to pedal as hard. Which means I can cycle further, especially hand seeing as my round journey commute has gone from 9-10 miles to around 15-16 miles. Doesn't sound a lot, but you try and cycle the extra, especially in the winter, into headwinds, going uphill and all the other bollocks you have to put up with on a pushy.

You may level accusations at me

Cheat being one, Hippy being another. I will merely invite you to kiss my cheating hairy hippy arse whilst cycling off into the sunset. :)

Seriously, I mentioned this to a friend of mine whose only form of transport is a pushbike and his immediate reply was 'That's cheating!' Is it fuck cheating. It's just another form of transport, and one that's certainly cleaner and greener than a car or a motorbike.

A funny thing happened on the train.

So, been a while again innit? I just never seem to find the time to blog and no fucker's reading it anyway. But I must share this little nugget cos It made me larf and larf. My missus took me to the Dr Who exhibition at Earls Court as an early birthday present. We had a great day in that London, the Who exhibition is well worth a look if you're so inclined, lots of interactive bits including being able to stand insided a mock up of a Dalek and talk into a microphone that distorts your voice. I have video footage of a Dalek squawking 'Wash my pants woman'. Well I found it funny anyway. Lunch in Convent Garden followed by a bit of shopping and then home, in first class no less. So, there we are on the train, in first class being all sumptuous and nice, when I decide to use the loo. A nice looking pod affair with automatic doors. Except dumbass that I am I can't find the button to open the effing door. That's ok, I'll use prole class. So I go down to the next carriage and wait for the engaged bog to become free. and wait for the engaged bog to become free. and wait for the engaged bog to become free. and wait for the engaged bog to become free. Seriously I waited a long time. Then, a woman comes out of the carriage and waits in the exit area as we're coming up to a stop. and wait for the engaged bog to become free. and wait for the engaged bog to become free. and wait for the engaged bog to become free. Eventually the door opens, then immediately slams shut. I look a the woman, she looks at me. We're both a tad perplexed. The door opens and slams shut again. This happens five or six times. Then, the door opens and a lad of about 18 comes out. Staring at the floor he avoids eye contact and scurries around the corner into the carriage. I go to step into the bog and the door slams into my face. KER-CHING! The woman waiting to get off at the next station has eyes like saucers. I'm killing myself laughing. 'Must be the Mile-Long club' I comment. This then has her cracking up laughing. Tears are streaming down my face, the door to the bog opens and slams shut a few more times and then a very very embarrassed young lady exits the cubicle, in much the same manner as her recent companion. I being a gentleman discretely looked straight at her with a fucking great grin on me face. She was rather red. :D

A very silly thing indeed

This is not in my opinion. A very good idea. The original novels had a definite finish. I wasn't a big fan of the finish but it was up to Douglas Adams and not me. I just bought the books. This smacks to me of a cash-in and I won't be buying it.