Didn't care then. Don't care now!

The news media are really getting on my wick at the moment. Every day for what feels like the last fortnight they've been banging on about the tenth anniversary of some overblown tart pegging it in France. I can vividly remember that day ten years ago. I got up late (it was a Sunday) made a coffee, lit up a ciggy and turned on the telly waiting for the Waltons to come on. Instead of Ma, Pa, John-Boy, Mary-Beth and the rest of the inbreds I get some gormless fuckwit telling me about the accident in Paris. Fuck that, I wanted to watch the Waltons.

Indifference turned to dismay as channel after channel (all four of them) cancelled their schedules and embarked on a sickening display of mawkishness. I was so moved by watching the endless eulogies and public displays of patheticness that I went down the pub and stayed there! I wasn't alone.

baby spiders

Russian Dolleks?

Well it made me laff.

Grrr... Argh!

Adrenaline

I guess coming through a near miss accident is supposed to be life affirming? What about when it's two in quick succession?

Driving home from work ( I can't ride the bike at the moment. Long story) last Friday. I think to myself, I know, I'll take a wide circular route, that way I can pick up some plonk and not have to go out again. So I pick up said booze (Van Loveren Blanc de Noir if you must know) and I'm heading for home. The sun is shining, the iPod is on, the music is good, the window is open, the van on the other side of the road has taken that corner a bit too fast and is quite a way over on my side of the road. Ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod steer left, as far left as possible. Thank fuck for that. Wherethefuckdidthatmotorbikecomefrom?!!! Brake! BRAKE! BRAKE!!!

Some cunt on a motorbike, he'd obviously got caught out by the same corner as the van driver, may even have been playing silly buggers with him? Anyway, he's ended up on my side of the road, bearing in mind I'm already as far to the left as it's possible to get without leaving the road itself, and he's aiming right at me. I'd say he managed to regain control of his bike at about six feet in front of me. I was absolutely fucking terrified. I drove home about 30-40 mph, had some cunt in Renault trying to monster me to go faster for most of the way. Twat!

This just reinforces my point about country roads. Yes the speed limit is 60mph, but if the road is barely wide enough for two cars to pass would you be going that fast? Or are you one of those arrogant fuckers who thinks everyone else should be getting out of your way?

Tony Wilson 1957-2007

Sad day

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/manchester/6941105.stm

I'll raise a glass to the mad bastard tonight. Cheers Tony.

Made me laff

An oldie, but a goodie!

What's a Shitzu?

It's a small dog whose arse is indistinguishable from it's head.

A shit zoo on the other hand... Saturday was glorious, the first really good weekend in gawd knows how long. The Breadknife decided we'd have a family day, which I was more than happy with. So we had a choice The Dinosaur Park or The Norfolk Wildlife Park which is just up the road. I, in my infinite wisdom decided that the little fella was too young to appreciate the Dinosaur park so we'd go to the Wildlife park instead.

Bugger.

We should have realised from the half empty car park that something was wrong. The alarm bells should really have started to ring when we saw one family read the notice by the entrance and then walk back to their car. However, we persevere... The notice says that the focus of the park has changed to an interactive play experience for kids and that there are no longer 'exotic' animals on display. They do however have British rare breeds and wildlife still on display. So, twelve quid lighter and in we go.

Me and the Bread have been to this place a few times. Admittedly quite a few years ago now, overtime and shift rotas over the years meant we didn't have that many weekends together, and those we did have were highly prized and generally used to recharge batteries. So it's been a while...

First impressions are, this place is fucked! There are handwritten notices all over the place. The 'interactive' kids area is a bunch of climbing frames of back garden standard, these are festooned in notices saying things like 'only two kids at a time' and 'no adults' and 'keep children supervised at all times' There's a bouncy castle. We didn't look at the bouncy castle cos Little fella's too small for them but I can only imagine it being covered in similar signage. A sandpit, to be fair the sandpit looked good fun. Some Trampolines, again of the standard you'd find in your average back garden. Finally the G0-Kart Track. It's a track, surrounded by hay-bales. The Go-Karts are a motley selection of pedal jobs and a couple of little kiddie flinstone-style ride on cars. It's pretty grim.

Onward then, to the animal enclosures. Oooh look! A great big bunny. Admittedly the bunny is quite impressive. It's a Californian Giant and it is very big ( I did wonder at first if it might be a Hare!) Next to the big bunny is an enclosure with some Chipmunks in. This is ok, I suppose. Chipmunks are cool and Albino Chipmunks are absolutely icebox. 'Oh look' says the Bread, 'A baby one just ran into the box. I missed it. 'There it goes' she says. I just catch a glimpse of it, it's not a chipmunk. It's a fucking mouse! I'm not impressed. Next some wee cute baby piggies. Only we're not allowed to touch them as they might bite. The little fella's very interested in them and the piggies appear desperate for a bit of attention but we do as the sign says and don't touch. Then there's some chickens. Yeah, they may be Rhode Island Reds but they're just fucking chickens! Some more chickens.. Some weird oriental pheasant you can't actually see. 'Oh Look' It's a peahen with her young. In an enclosure to protect the chicks I guess? Peacock chicks are funny looking buggers cos they have runty versions of the adult crest so they're quite amusing. What's not amusing are the rats, yes, Rats, that are running around the enclosure and blatantly nesting underneath the sleeping area. I'm a bit miffed about that. There's no excuse for it really. You see rats you get pest control, end of! That pretty much killed the place for me, one more lowlight was the carp pool, yes, the r is in the wrong place. Then on to the Cafe for two cans of diet coke and a flapjack bar, all for the not at all reasonable price of £2.70. TWO POUNDS SEVENTY!!! The Breadknife started to get a big quivery lipped about it all. Blaming herself for 'another shit day' I had to take it on the chin and point out that it was down to me that we'd gone to the animal park. From talking to people at work it turns out that the park submitted improvement plans to the local council and got turned down. It's a shame that it's declined so badly but really they ought to think very carefully about carrying the business on. After all, there's good eating on one of those big bunnies.

Don't let the door hit you on the way out

Fuck off then you ugly cunt!

I yam

being really crap at blogging aren't I? I think it's a combination of parenthood being a bit knackering and lot's of other things placing demands on my time. So let's see... What's been going on in Radville? Erm... Well lots of thanking my lucky stars I don't live in the West Country (even though I'd like to). Those poor fuckers in Gloucester I feel so sorry for them(a lot more sorry than I did for sheffield but you can blame that on those wingeing shitcunts Sheffield Utd). It's scary to think that all it takes is a day of rain to knock us back to the stone-age. Sad as fuck that as soon as it happens there are people trying to make a fast buck. I refer to the wankers filling their vans up with bottled water, driving to the outskirts of the flooded area and selling it for 2,3,4 times the normal price. Cuntish in the extreme I hope they get payback in kind.

In happier news I bought a Dalek. A radio controlled one. Toys R Us were selling em for £20 which is a much better price than the rrp of £40. And yes, while I did indeed buy it for me because I've coveted one ever since they first came out, it was also bought with the little fella in mind cos he love them Daleks! Right from when he was around six months old he'd stop what he was doing when the Daleks came on telly. I've got a talking Dalek that the Breadknife bought me a few years back and he's obsessed with it. I use it to calm him down when he's having one of those 'so tired I don't know what to do so I'll scream' paddy fits. Now, with the RC one he runs up to it, then runs to the other end of the room, stops, and waits patiently for it to catch up and exterminate him. :D Dead funny.

In even more better happier news Steve and Elaine got married yesterday (26/07/07) Congratulations guys :) and all the best for the future.

More Tosh

Yes indeedy. DC Minimates wave 4 has arrived to spread it's teeny tiny plasticky goodness. Look upon my Minimates and despair at your own lack of poxy plastic kiddycrap! Oh Yes!

Star Wars Thing

We went. We Saw. We did a bit of shopping.

As we drove towards the excel centre we could see a line of people that appeared to be around half a mile long or so. That's a lot of people. I get a text from Steve telling me he's in a queue about half a mile long or so. I look at the breadknife, she's already clocked the queue. Things look grim. Once we get inside Excel we get a very good idea of how big the queue is. There's about half a mile of people inside too. The bread is not looking happy at the prospect of queueing with the little fella. I'm already feeling stressed out. Steve (or rather Elaine) suggests we try and find them. Eventually after much texting and a couple of calls we establish where they are and wave like loons across a vast warehouse like space. A security guard politely informs me that there's no way I'm crossing this space to see them. I lie through me teeth and tell him they've got our tickets. He tells me to go and wait where they come out of the warehouse bit and I can meet up with them then. Sorted! It's weird, I've met Steve before, we've been on all sorts of web based things together, but it's the first time I've met Elaine despite us slating each other via the web for a good few years now. Surprisingly we take the piss out of each other. :D

Once we get inside it's a case of 'oh fuck!' There are people. Lots of people.They are everywhere! Steve and Elaine go to look around on their own. Me and the bread wander about a bit dazed. I look at the programme find out where the convention exclusives are being sold and decide to get this part of it out of the way. I want them damn toys! The Bread and L'il Fella make their way to the family area, I go shopping. Fifteen quid! Fuck me! That's expensive. I have to get two of them too as I've promised a mate in the States I'd pick one up for him. I wait in the sort of queue that you see in the post office or security at the airport. It's a never ending succession of turns along roped off areas. Not fun. It's fucking hot. There's a lot of people about, so it's fucking hotter. Eventually I get my stuff and head off to find the Breadknife. Silly me decided to go via one of the lanes of dealer stalls. Dumb dumb dumb. The show organisers have lumped all the dealers in one area. It's fucking mental. I can't actually get close enough to buy anything. I'm also feeling slightly claustrophobic too. I give up and head for the Bread. They've been having a lovely time sitting down and drawing and L'il Fella's had his pic taken with Darth Vader (who the Breadknife said was a really nice Dutch bloke, cheers fella) . Steve turns up and we're having a chat then he casually drops into the conversation that toys r us are there with their own exclusive figure. D'oh! So I go and queue up again. This time I pay a tenner for one figure. I'm so weak!



Get back to the peeps, Elaine's turned up, but her and Steve are off shopping now. So we bid them adieu and go for another walk around. It's still hectic as fuck I still can't get near the dealer stalls. I think the organisers fucked up badly with this. I'm sure the dealers will let them know about it too.

The highlight for me, apart from meeting up with Steve and Elaine, were the people who'd made the effort and dressed up in costume. Now in the cold light of day you'd wonder what possesses them to do it. But in context of shows like this, or the first night one of the films is released it really adds to the atmosphere. Costumes ranged from really badly amateurish to movie studio authentic. The guys from the 501st Garrison (Stormtroopers) in particular looked fantastic.

(sorry it's blurred, It's a phonepic)


There were a few Wookies dotted about too. I talked to one bloke who'd just taken his Wookie mask off to get some air. He was roasting inside the suit but absolutely loving it. In all despite the queues, the crushes and the heat it was a cracking day. Meet old mates, meet new mates. Bask in geekery. Buy some shit. The little fella loved it, it's a shame he wasn't a little older but he still had a great time. I just hope the powers that be organise the next European Celebration a tad more sensibly. Spacing the dealers out around the whole floor would be a good start. I'm sure they'd agree too.

This final pic I'm including not so much for the cheesecake element but because this bird really pissed me off. I'm just about to ask the blokes in the costume if I can have a pic with them. Along comes Princess Lookatmebaps and all of a sudden it's perve central. Don't get me wrong, I like ladies not wearing many clothes as much as the next man but dammit I wanted MY picture taken. Suddenly there's all these blokes snapping away at her and she fucking loved it! I'd just like to point out that this pic was taken by the Breadknife while she was waiting for me to get a pic done. I gave up in the end. Gah!

Finally

I get around to uploading some holiday snaps to Flickr. They're not all that interesting, mainly of the little fella in various locales, but they're there.

Hooray they've fixed the title bar!

How much?

(it's very annoying not being able to type in the title bar)

I'm going to this at the weekend http://www.celebrationeurope.com/
I've just had an e-mail telling me Mark Hamill will be there signing autographs. I already knew this from reading the US celebration pages over on the official star wars website. What I didn't know is that he'll be charging £85.00 a signature. That's EIGHTY FIVE FUCKING POUNDS!
I'm glad I'd decided not to bother with autographs. I mean, I'm a geek and I'm proud but £85.00 is a lot of wine vouchers.

Is it just me?

Or does everyone else on Blogger get weird 10,000 word comments? A sample of which is below...

"Manifest Destiny dictates a white-man's prophecy - White-man's world, white-man's Apocalypse:::History says society evolved into where it is today. Others may look at it differently::::Because of the white man's favor the gods bestowed great wealth upon them:::::It is quite obviously a white man's god. The reality is that the gods SCRIPTED Earth's history and utilize reverse positioning::Money is a corruptor and is hurting you badly.The god's positioning is SUCK that their positioned Anti-Christ is the architect of the 1906 San Francisco Earthquake. Because of this event they went on to control business on the west coast and elsewhere as the United States emerged as a superpower, capitalism as the dominant economic system.This is Manifest Destiny::::Our positioned Anti-Christ is the archetect of the 1906 Earthquake, reconstruction of SF, erection of California which subsequently gave him a platform to assult business nationwide and globally.The Anti-Christ is the so-called godfather.And this individual is nothing more than a series of brain-less clone hosts, frequency of replacement based on actual use::::1. Celebrities & politicians - heavy frequency2. Wealthy/telecommuting VPs/CEOs who nobody ever sees - light frequency"

I'm glad I turned on Comment Moderation.

Creatively Bankrupt

A couple of years back I was pretty fucked off to read that Jack White of the White Stripes had trousered a few grand to write a song for a coke commercial. Most people these days wouldn't give a flying one about that. But for me, any artist that suckles from the teat of a multinational corporation is an artist that has become creatively bankrupt. They're effectively saying that they are for sale if the price is right.

Now I'm no fan of Fergie, maybe if her humps, her humps, her lovely ladybumps were real I'd look at her twice but musically? ... Nah no thanks! But when I read this over at the NME's news site I find my ire raised. My dander is up. What the fuck is going on? How important can money be to you to sign an agreement like that? I can't imagine the soggy gussetted pop moppet is short of a few quid just yet. So why sign an agreement that means she has to write songs about a clothing line? It's repulsive.

Not however, as repulsive as weak-minded puppets driving cars full of gas canisters into buildings full of innocent people mind you. But there are other blogs that will have written much more intelligent and insightful posts about that. I'll just call them cunts and wish them all a long and unhappy jail sentence.

This meandering pointless post is sponsored by the words 'Tired' and the sentence 'I'm really bored and pissed off'.

!esrA

Huzzah!
I have the internet back. Fuck me, what a palaver!
I bought a modem from PC world. Wouldn't work. Rung my ISP who said stick with us for another year we'll give you a new modem. Six quid postage/admin fee though. Fair enough I thought. It'll be with you in two to three days sir, lovely, thinks I. Next day I called the ISP to make sure the Modem had been despatched. Yes sir we despatched it this afternoon.

This Afternoon?

Yes sir.

This AFTERNOON?

Yes sir.

Why?

Sir?

Why, has it only been despatched this afternoon? I called you at nine in the morning yesterday. Why wasn't it despatched yesterday?

Ah sir, you see, we had software problems which meant we could not process your payment.

How, is that my problem? You have all my details. I've been a customer for two years. I"ve never ever missed a payment.

Yes sir, but we can't send out hardware without processing your payment.

Again, how's that my problem?

...

I guess I won't be seeing my Modem tomorrow will I?

No sir, probably not.

Will I see it Monday?

Ah, it's two to three working days sir.

What?!! What sort of service have I just paid Six pounds for?

Second class post sir!

'Click'

Six pounds for second class post. They're having a bleeding giraffe! Fucking thing finally arrived today. Post dated Monday the 25th. So they hadn't even put it in the post on Friday.

I ain't impressed, but I am connected to the net again.
Fuck but it's weird, I feel like I've been through cold turkey. On the plus side I've played loads of Star Wars Lego. :) It's great once you unlock Vader as a playable character, I'm determined to see this fucker through to the end. So, how've you all been? Miss me? Yeah, right! You lying fuckers! :D

Arse!

We had a massive thunderstorm Tuesday night and it's killed my modem dead. I have no internet at home. I am very very very fucked off about it.

I am being really crap

at updating this blog aren't I? I've been back a week and have barely mentioned me holiday. It was a bit of an odd one really. We stayed with my in-laws who I get on fine with but being in someone elses house is always a bit tricky. It's a nice part of the world. Very very rural, even moreso than Nuffulk which surprised me. Plenty hot, and plenty of fucking flies which all have the same name. The name of cunt. Fuck but they were annoying! After about 3 days the little fella has learned how to say 'go away' with the accompanying shooing gesture. He does this everytime someone says 'go away' now. FrenchFranceland also has snakes. Specifically Vipers. Now I have rather foolishly picked up a viper in the past and got away with it. Having nearly trod on one in the back garden while wearing sandals (and carrying t'littlefella) I have a new respect for them. They're fast. Very fast indeed. Thank fuck it was racing away from me rather than at me. Really put the shits up!

The French did their best to dispel a lot of myths about them. Their food's not great, they're not that good looking, and their fashion sense is hilarious. In a lot of ways they're just like us, but much much friendlier. Surprising non?

Changing the subject slightly can I just say...

Sheffield Utd, you can fuck right off. You're stupid whiny pathetic cunts! Your fans are gullible cunts who've been sucked in by your constant rhetoric about how West Ham are cheats. That' all you do. Call us cheats. It's pathetic. It's juvenile, and it's tiresome. How about acquainting yourself with the facts from a source other than your own chairman or a redtop newspaper. Twats!

I apologise to the entire internet

for the recent acute lack of swearage. I have been on holiday in French Franceland which meant I had to get on a plane which I hate. Really really really HATE!

I tell you what kids. Flying with a kid sitting on your lap is really no fun at all. You become acutely aware of all the people sitting around you when your nipper is having a total paddy cos he can't go where he wants. We were stuck on the ground at Stansted for 40 minutes dues to a power cut. It was hell. Absolute hell! The plane was hot, the little fella was grumpy as hell and I think I ground my teeth into pegs. He was great once we were in the air. In fact he absolutely loved flying, and landing. Showed me up something rotten by clapping and laughing and whoooping with joy when we were landing. I on the other hand was absolutely shiteing it. I hate flying. I'll post some pictures later and possibly some stuff about France if I ever get any spare time ever again.
In the meantime here's a word from our sponsors

Cunting Fuckpigs!

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